A letter, on having given Dave’s Insanity Sauce, Limited Edition, to a friend for Christmas 2001:

> thanks much for the manhood-test hot sauce.  as i
> was telling d, I'm afraid to even open the bottle heheh.

Giving you a gift was Dora’s idea; the actual gift we chose was my idea. We were at some craft fair a few weeks ago, and they had a stand with all kinds of hot sauces, and of course I immediately scanned and gravitated towards the Insanity Sauce, only to find that there was something new on the table that I’d never seen before: Dave’s *Ultimate* Insanity Sauce. I asked if this was hotter than Dave’s Insanity Sauce (which I had a small bottle of for 4 years and used very sparingly and finally had to throw out when we moved here because it had spoiled), and the man behind the counter said brightly, “Oh, it’s the new double-strength version.” Must have, must have. Then I went online and read about an even hotter version that they make a limited quantity of every year, which is triple-strength, and when I saw it in the store, I knew it was for you.

Instructions for testing:

  1. cook large pot of rice (alternative: buy large loaf of bread)
  2. open bottle, being very careful not to get any sauce on your fingers
  3. take one tine of a fork and gently scrape a very very very thin layer of sauce from around the rim of the bottle
  4. if you have sauce on two tines, wash the fork and start over with a new fork
  5. if what you have on your fork could rightfully be construed as a “dab”, throw away the fork immediately, you’ve ruined it
  6. quickly and promptly rub the sauce-veiled tine over your lips. do not, under any circumstances, allow the sauce to touch your tongue
  7. wait 3.2 seconds
  8. scream in agony
  9. eat entire pot of rice in a futile attempt to calm the everlasting flame within you (alternative: eat entire loaf of bread). water will not help you, you must use something substantial that can soak up the spices
  10. never kiss your wife again

Cheers.

-M

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