We had a civil marriage in the UK which means the vows are out of our hands: there are just three legal forms, and we opted for the longest of them.
I, (my name), take you, (the other person’s name can’t seem to remember it right now) to be my lawful wedded wife. All that I am I give to you; all that I have I share with you.
Not bad for something from our statute books.
And then we looked one another in the eye and simultaneously said
“You’re my wife now Dave.”
This was not part of the script.
— Guy 
<silly>Y’know, with a name like Mark, I always figured you were male — but with these vows, looks like both parties involved gain a wife, so maybe I was wrong all this time!</silly>
Belated (or early, depending on whether we’re talking about engagement or wedding) congratulations! Still being in the single crowd, I can’t contribute any of my own, but I do like what you’ve arrived at.
My wife and I considered writing our own vows. I spent months trying to write something short and brilliant, but in the end we went with the prepared (non-denominational, because the wife is Methodist and I’m an atheist) text because our love for each other was clear regardless of what we said.
I used to think the institution of marriage was awful. When I was younger (and after watching countless marriages disintegrate around me) I vowed never to do it. Then I met someone who took my breath away and suddenly I wanted to be married more than anything.
I think what you have come up with is perfect, with just the right blend of commitment and romance. I wish you both a fantastic future and I shudder at the thought of little Pilgrims entering the populace :)
Ours were something similiar, but in German.
— Ryan
I think you should drop the “speak” part and just keep “listen.” Truly listening is one of the hardest things you could hope for in life.
Not that you were looking for advice…. :)
My wife and I had a civil wedding here in Stockholm, so it went like this(translated freely and badly by yours truly):
“The purpose of marriage is the good of the individual and the persistance of society. You have the declared that you wish to engage in marriage with each other. Do you then take _____ to be your wife and to love her in sickness and in health?”
(I managed to produce something vaguely resembling a “yes”)
“Do you, _____, take this _____ to be your husband and to to love him in sickness and in health?”
(my wife says “yes” in that perfect way that just screams “I love you”)
“Take each other’s hands as confirmation of this.”
(we do so, and exchange rings)
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Never forget the promise of faithfulness which you have now made. Live together with mutual respect, love and trust, and bear in mind your responsibilities towards future generations. May unity and happiness prevail in your marriage and in your home.”
There is an ultra-short version as well. But we figured that if we were gonna do it, we might as well stay for the long version.
We did the traditional Anglican wedding thing with separate vows… I promised to love and cherish. She promised to love and obey.
Formally taking on different roles in a marriage doesn’t really sit well in modern society, and 12 years later, we’re still working out exactly what these different vows might mean. This is where we’re at now…
We both promised to “love” which means we put each other’s good ahead of our own, at each twist and turn life throws at us.
I promised to “cherish”, which means I have taken her on as the most precious thing in my life. Decisions I make are to be thoughtful, careful anc centred on her.
Karen promised to “obey”, which means trusting my lead. Not blindly, but she has faith in me and backs me up.
At least that’s the plan - how it works itself out is subject to human frailty.
Warmest wishes for your marriage!
http://yarinareth.net/Dorothea/wedding/ceremony.html
— Dorothea Salo
Ours were fairly traditional Anglican wedding vows. I promised to “love and cherish”, while Karen promised to “love and obey”.
Formally taking on separate roles in a marriage does not sit well in modern society and 12 years on, we’re still feeling out what it means exactly. This is where we’re at now:
We each promised to “love” the other. This means putting each other’s interests ahead of our own, even in the face of each small (and large) twists life throws at us. This is the big one. (If we could get this right all the time, we’d be well ahead of the game!)
I promised to “cherish” Karen. This means she is special to me - the most important thing in my life. When making a decision (changing jobs, deciding where to eat out) I take special care to find out what her needs and wants are and give them consideration appropriate to her position in my life.
Karen promised to “obey” me. This means following my lead. She doesn’t do this blindly, but she does have faith in me and always backs me up.
It’s working so far.
Warmest wishes for your marriage!
Our vows were different, and my answers were probably different too:
For better
Yes
For worse
No
In sickness
No
and in health….
— Dave
these vows are all meaningless. don’t waste your time with them.
— anon
I honestly don’t remember. The ceremony was performed by a justice of the peace at the county courthouse, and was something simple. Not quite “Do you, ____, take ____, to be your lawfully wedded wife/husband?” — I’m fairly certain there was another clause. I just remember listening carefully for anything I was unwilling to go with.
Yes, not only did we elope, but we got the license after hours, which meant at the outside bail window at the county jail. All and all a giddy and surreal experience.
—L.
— LNH
“So, you sure you wanna do this?” ;)
Like L, we sorta eloped…got my best friend to become a ULC minister to help fill out the paperwork, which we all filled out in our home office together. (I thought I’d blogged the whole wacky story, but it doesn’t look like it.)
I like those Swedish vows, though.
— Elaine
Mine were basically the same as yours, and hers were the same as mine. The phrase “obey” was expunged entirely. Basically a straight forward catholic wedding (if there is such a thing), which was, oddly, the very first catholic ceremony in my life. And the last, come to think of it.
My wedding was large, an “event” planned by my wife and mother-in-law (though mostly the latter). The stress of the event itself was telling. My wife and I barely spoke for the two weeks before the wedding.
You aren’t doing this for the ceremony, what you do and say are irrelevant. You’re doing this for the marriage. “Y’wanna?” “Cool.” is enough, the rest is just fluff, make sure you keep priorities straight.
Come June, I’ll be married ten years, seven of them good. An old joke, but fairly accurate. Marriage is joy and pain, and the relationship is what you need to cultivate. You’ll be shocked at how your priorities change.
And if you think this is momentous, just wait until you have kids.
I am a Quaker, and have not been married in my Meeting, though one of the reasons I would like to is that I love the traditional Quaker vows. Quakers have no ministers, and practice silent worship out of which people who are led may offer ministry. In a Quaker wedding, the group settles into silent worship, and when the couple are ready, they stand and address each other thus:
I, state my name, take you, state your name, as my husband/wife, promising with divine assistance to be a loving and faithful wife/husband for as long as we both live.
In the following silence, anyone present who is led to speak may do so.
Afterwards, everyone present (often even the children) signs a copy of the vows as witnesses.
— Su
I am intrigued by the “to speak and to listen.” Many couples forget that entirely, though the spirit of the rest of the vows suggests the order should be switched.
My wife and I weren’t supposed to say any of the traditional vows, but I didn’t figure that out until she told me. I started, “To have and to hold, to love and to honor, in sickness and health, … ” and then I froze, because the minister wasn’t feeding me any lines. She leaned up and whispered (so the video recorder could hear it) “We don’t need to say that part.”
And she never did :)
— David
Elaine: pretty much all Swedish vows are like that… it’s very nice not having to be tied down to religious beliefs because when it all comes around, it’s the love that is central, and not the religion.
— Jesper
I got married in a Greek Orthodox church, so we didn’t say vows at all. We had incense and chanting, though.
For those who have seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the moment when you are officially considered married is when she says “These are our first steps as a married couple.” and they go around the alter three times.
— Jim
After the religious ceremony (Sanskrit, so i didn’t know what i was saying), we went outside by this gorgeous lake and, after some very brief readings from four friends/relatives, exchanged the (different) declarations we had each written, 2-3 paragraphs.
Honestly can’t remember it besides how mine started — “My darling Jeyanthy, I love you…” by then i was crying, so i don’t think anyone heard the rest.
To syntax check and to validate… for as long as I code…
— pete
I thought I had them handy, but I’d have to go look them up - we wrote our own, and what I can remember is one of my favorite phrases : “All that I am and all that I have, I give to you.”
— Donna
We wrote our own, and the object was to keep them short, simple and to the point.
I, _______, take you, ________, just as you are, above all others, to share my life.
It’s been two years but I’m still as freaked out about the gravity of those those words as the day we said them.
Congratulations, Mark. :D
— Gina
We wrote our own:
“I take you _____, to be my (wife/husband), and these things I promise you: to join with you and to share all that is to come, to give and to receive, to speak and to listen, to inspire and to respond, and in all circumstances of our life together, to be loyal to you with all my being until death parts us.”
You’re not married yet?
— Anonymous
May 17th. Response cards are being counted. Vows are being written. Dances are being learned. Wits are ending.
— Mark
I take you Billy/Angela
To be my lawfully wedded husband/wife
My constant friend,
My faithful partner in life,
My one true love.
On this special day,
I give to you
In the presence of God and these witnesses
My sacred promise to stay by your side
In sickness and in health,
In joy and in sorrow
In good times and bad.
I promise to love you without reservation
Honor and respect you,
Protect you from harm,
Comfort you in times of distress,
Encourage you to achieve all of your goals,
Laugh with you and cry with you,
Grow with you in mind and spirit,
Always be open and honest with you,
And cherish you for all eternity.
Hmm, three years and I still can’t read those without getting a small lump in my throat. Best day of my life.
Congratulations, Mark.
— Billy
Su: I would also have liked to been married by my Meeting, but given that my wife is Jewish, it would have been … impolitic to have a religious ceremony from any Christian denomination. Well, that and I’m an Attender and not a Member.
A Quaker marriage is beautiful, tho’. I would even have stood for the custom of puiblic marital advice.
—L.
— LNH
I think the most critical line (which I haven’t seen a lot of) is “until death do us part.” A vow missing that part can be restated as “hey, I love ya babe, at least for now.” ;-)
In any case, Godspeed, Mark.
— Chris Ryland
So - you’re not only getting married (outdated institution, largely to do with arranging property rights over women) but you’re getting married in church (outdated institution, largely to do with pretending belief in a supreme being).
My advice would be to forget it and just carry on being together. It’s worked for me for the past 14 years.
— David
David, I take it you don’t put much weight in the Constitution either (outdated document, condones slavery, talks about slaves being worth 3/5 of a person, etc). Whatever. Here’s a news flash: institutions evolve. It’s a novel concept; look it up.
For the record, we’re not getting married in a church, we’re getting married by a man of God who has been a friend of my family for 35 years. Outside, in a garden, close to nature. In an inclusive, non-denominational ceremony that he was gracious enough to help us sculpt to our own personal, not institutional, beliefs.
— Mark
Hi Mark - I think you’re protesting its secular qualitities a bit too much, given that the guy marrying the pair of you is a minister of a church.
I’ve never said the US Constitution is outdated, have I? It has, of course, had several amendments made to it, hasn’t it, Mark? but anyway, it isn’t my constitution.
If you really don’t mind signing up to a club that - now, for example, not in the past - won’t allow gays to join then by all means, go right ahead. ‘Scuse me if I don’t think it’s particularly wonderful.
— David
The barrier to entry here is man’s law, not God’s law. Don’t like your government’s laws? What are you complaining to me for? You said you’re in a different country; that means I can’t fix them, only you can.
Various states in my country have passed laws banning gay marriages (and explicitly not recognizing such marriages performed in other states). I think such laws are homophobic and shameful, but I’m not going to put my own life on hold while I fight against them.
— Mark