What DO I do? I probably lose my mind and flip out. Which may be the absolute worst thing TO do, so I’m interested to see the answers that are left.
I think I’d ask. I’d ask the hell out of her. Figure out what could’ve possibly lead to the situation. There could be a good explanation, and if there’s not I’d know from the answers.
— Manuzhai 
Um, maybe talk to him or her? I mean hell, you’ve been with them for over a decade - conversation should be easy by now.
I’d give her the opportunity to explain first. No judgements, no actions. Just a window of opportunity to tell me that appearances are in fact being deceiving.
Judgements and opportunities come later. Undoubtedly I’ve learned to sleep on these kind of things. I need to digest it, even the explanation. For me, I’ve learned that my actions and emotions speak much louder than my words.
Emotions would speak next - as in me talking to myself. Trust? The answer to this will dictate everything to follow.
Actions come last. Once done they cannot be undone.
This did happen to me. At least a variation of this. I learned in the years before this that my actions may not be enough to change hers. Nothing I could say or do can make my spouse happy or sober until she does it on her own. It was the biggest component and _the_ catalyst for our divorce.
That was 7 years ago. Many times I’ve thought of those days and my actions. Many times - now past - I felt a deep sense of loss, a deep sense of lonliness. Dammit, I committed myself to her - I thought she was my soulmate.
Funny thing though, not once have I truely regretted those actions.
— Dave
I assume that he/she was in a room full of smokers and used the wrong mouthwash. I give he/she a hug and express my support.
Then I offer to drive my spouse to a meeting where I know (because I’ve made it happen)that his/her sponsor will be.
Then I remind myself that the ending of the story really *isn’t* under my control and make a phone call or two for myself.
— Al
I do not smoke but I come home with smoke in my hair extremely often.
— Shannon J Hager
Honestly?
I’d cry. A whole lot. Then I’d try to breathe, then I’d try to talk it out. Then I’d think about leaving her.
Addiction has destroyed too many relationships in my life. I’ll be damned if I let it happen again.
I’m not proud of this answer, but it’s the truth.
— Anonymous
ask. listen.
— Elaine
It depends if they are an alchaholic or not.
If the person wasn’t an alcoholic before, I’d do nothing, aside from making sure that it wasn’t a response to some sort of recent tragedy.
Sheesh, it’s not like we’re talking about crack cocaine here.
— Anonymous
i’m with jake. i read the post, read all the commments, and then re-read the post to try to understand the comments. only the second time did i notice that the category is “Addiction”, but even still i don’t understand why so many of these responses assume the worst.
Probably get drunk and smoke a lot, with or without spouse. If with, then talk could be productive.
(I’m not by any means saying that this is what *should* be done)
Depends what mood I’m in. I know I’m a moody guy, and if I’m in a decent - really good mood, then I would just ask what was up and take it from there. If I was in a not so decent - nasty mood, I would still ask questions but in a way that would most likely warrant a nasty response.
heh… may be the reason I don’t have a spouse.
— Damion
We have two ears and just one mouth. I think this was intended to be a permanent reminder for us to listen twice as much as we talk… or start yelling in that case! :))
if a spouse has suffered from addictions of this kind before, and has been close enough to wear the scent, it’s probably been a rough day.
i’d walk over and give a long hug, and ask how the day went. from there, i read the story and the spouse writes it.
— sleeper
I’ll be honest. I think I’d at first jump to conclusions, and get mad. Though at some point, I’d calm down (the spouse most likely already expects to catch hell), and we’d talk. After all, we’ve been married a while (at least 12 years, obviously). Since time is not a luxury, we would definately have to talk. Maybe it isn’t as bad as it seems.
Ask if he or she had fun.
— AcjBizar
Get out, immediately, with your spouse. Impromptu holiday for an hour, a day or a week. Change of scenery & atmosphere. Time to think. Time for the two of you to look at what is important.
Everyday life can wait.
— another Mark
To those asking why we’re assuming the worst:
Have you been an addict or been involved with someone who was?
People are assuming the worst due to the tone of the question, and due to Mark’s well-known history of addiction. Generally, people don’t regard something unimportant and dismissable as a “red-hot iron ball”, and ask you what you’d do.
He’s not asking “It’s raining. What do you do?” He’s asking “Someone you love deeply just did something horribly bad– for them, and for you both. What do you do?”
My answer:
Since I love and trust my spouse, I would assume there was a good reason– a deep failing, a seriously bad day, or maybe a long miscommunication between us.
I would be deeply concerned, and tenatively angry, but I would not show these things. I would not ask at first. After the hello-how-are-yous were done, and silence started, I’d ask if they wanted to talk.
If not, I’d wait a while (a day?). Then I’d ask questions.
The answer from then depends on the stimulus. If my trust was betrayed, or there was no good reason, I’d be flabbergasted, and livid. But most likely, it’d take a lot to convince me that there wasn’t a good reason that I wasn’t being told.
Some may say there is no justification. Bah. In some contexts, murder is understandable.
Would I let an addict, who I once deeply loved and more recently shallowly regretted ruin my life?
Yes, I think I would.
Would I ever draw the line? Only if I came to believe there was no saving the relationship.
I would not, however, stay together because I thought the person could be saved.
I’ve been addicted enough to know that only the addict can decide to stop. Support is great, but it is a personal decision.
No amount of “you are worthy” and “you are beautiful” can fill the heart with self-worth. People must feel it, not hear it.
— Jeremy Dunck
nothing
— fishrush
I would feel a mix of guilt and anger. I would wonder what in our relationship has caused her to go back to her old habit. Is she bored? Have we lost something during all those years? Then I would ask why, right on the spot, at the risk of seing her closing herself. But on the other hand, this could also be the time when I would hear the truth, the painful truth about her feelings.
— Claude
it’d be usually late. I know I’ll be cooking a bowl of hangover soup–grumbling all the way of course. but I don’t think I’ll yell, try to talk, or whatever at the moment. maybe next morning. maybe the day after.
maybe it’s just that Asian culture is more generous to addition. but I also know that, if I tried to talk to her at the moment, I or she will do/say some silly stuff. I can wait till she’s sober.
so until then, it’s a bowl of hangover soup. I usually do.
— gaemon
in response to jeremy, who wrote:
He’s not asking “It’s raining. What do you do?” He’s asking “Someone you love deeply just did something horribly bad– for them, and for you both. What do you do?”
i understand what you mean. my problem is that merely including the word “addiction” in the title and category doesn’t make the hypothetical spouse an addict. the implication is that people don’t quit drinking or smoking for 12 years unless they’re addicts, and this is untrue. addiction is a serious problem, and i didn’t mean to suggest otherwise. i just found the text a bit ambiguous. he didn’t, after all, write “your spouse, who is alchoholic…” maybe he meant it, but it wasn’t in the question anywhere.
I intend to stay married for life, and my husband recognize only three exceptions where we would consider divorce, which we refer to as the Unholy Trinity: Abuse, Adultery, Addiction.
I attended Al-Anon for many years to deal with a family member’s alcoholism. The Al-Anon “line” is that you have to pay attention to yourself and that the other person is going to do whatever they want/are compelled to do. This is a way to cope, I guess, and while it helped me, it did not relieve me of the moral burden I felt when I saw people I loved killing themselves. My rules for myself were: I didn’t have to help (don’t have to supply alcohol or money for it), I didn’t have to shut up about how I felt about it, and I didn’t have to stay and watch.
I’d take her outside, throw her down on the lawn and spray the stink out of her hair with the garden hose! Then I’d strip her down and burn her clothes. Finally, I would sit her down on the couch, in her comfyest robe, with a hot cup of herbal tea with a tiny bit of honey in it, and hug her close and ask her to tell me about her day.
— Ian
i’d congratualte them on finally seeing sense…
— quis
Out of character behavior might be a sign that the spouse is having a serious problem of some kind which she/he didn’t want to discuss with her/his spouse. I say wait until morning to see if she/he will talk about it.
As I mentioned before, Taking Turns is an important part of marriage. Let her have her/his turn. Later, hopefully when the problem is well past, her/his spouse can take the turn.
— Don Park
wait till morning. ask. listen.
— Z
Be there for her. Don’t judge or condemn… just listen.
Don’t know..
Could have been smoke on the breath, alcohol in the hair ???
— Keith
I’d take whatever time it took to get past the shock. I don’t react well or compassionately under those circumstances.
Then I’d ask. And listen, looking for ways to be supportive. As best I could, I’d keep the feeling that I’d somehow failed at arm’s length. I don’t react well under that circumstance, either. I’d try to let her guide the conversation and listen.
Then I’d make a phone call or two to trusted friends, looking for whatever experience they might have that could serve as a guide for my own actions and my own serenity.
I’d probably make fun of her :-)
i have no idea (being 18), but i reckon there’s a few good answers there, that i should commit to memory
— shade
Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war.
I automatically assume that there was some form of peer pressure involved.
— owen
“… who hasn’t had a cigarette or a drink in 12 years”
I bet if they come home off the wagon they’ve had at least one without you knowing previously!
The bigger question is if they regret it and quit, or consider daily consumption again.
— coderman
what the hell is wrong with smelling like smoke and drinking anyways? As much as I’d like to say it’d bother me but in all honestly I’d just be pissed I was invited!
— El Jefe
Wash their hair, brush their teeth, put them to bed. Put the moment in the past where it can cool down. You can’t do or say anything useful or rational in the heat of a moment.
— Anonymous
In my most monotone voice and with hooded eyes, I’d say… “You’ve been a very, very, very naughty little girl.” And then proceed to rip her throat out.
But I’m taking anger management courses, so mayhap I wouldn’t really do that.
— R-Lan
I’d ask him if he’s upset about something, if that’s why the sudden turn to unusual vices. If he answered that he was just out having fun, I’d be a little hurt at being left out of his plans, but it’s not like we have to do =everything= together.
— Scott
While casual drug users generally do so for entertainment or socialization, a true drug abuser uses drugs to end pain, rather than just feel good.
Someone with a history of substance abuse and a long period of abstinance who suddenly returns to using the substances is feeling pain in their life that they are having trouble dealing with. They are not just being immoral or bad.
The abuse of drugs is a symptom of a person’s lack of skills in handling life’s problems. If you care about the person, you try to help them deal with their problems in a more constructive way than self-medication with drugs.
Try your best, and hope that they do too, or cut your losses and leave because you don’t have the skills to deal with their problems either.
— wKen
Sounds like he or she might be ready for some good sex :-)
— a third Mark
I would laugh at her, put her into bed (I’m assuming she’s pretty drunk and needs help), take *lots* of photos of her in her drunken state and go to bed anticipating the delight to be had the next day… :)
This is day zero. They came home. Addicts are human and can fail even with a dozen years good. Accept that they want to make day zero become day one, and help to get to day two and beyond.
— xanan
You put the kettle on, and make tea.
Case 1: I knew she was going out late, etc., then I’d say, “Did you have fun? You kind of stink.” Trust does not eliminate curiosity nor interest in your partner’s life.
Case 2: I didn’t know (hypothetical for me), then this is possibly the edge of a bigger problem. Hard to know what I would say.
— Anonymous
No offence, but those advocating anger should seek therapy themselves.
I didn’t “get” this at first - I think more groundwork should have been laid. A simple sentence alteration saying “Your spouse, a former addict…” would have got me on track right away.
Anyway, first thing I’d do would be wait. I’ve done this before (not with this addiction, but with bulimia). Wait, but not leave them alone. Wait and talk, idly, about the day, about the weather, about how they’re feeling, about how their day went etc etc.
When a person lapses on beating an addiction, it’s often because they want to talk about something but feel they can’t, so they withdraw into the addiction to deny what they want to discuss. When you’re faced with that, the addiction doesn’t matter as much as what made them lapse. Telling them off, getting angry, focussing on the addiction is simply what their subconscious is trying to get THEM to do, to avoid their bigger problem they feel unable to deal with.
The way to “win”, for both of you, is to get them to the point where they actually point out to YOU that they’ve been drinking/smoking/whatever. More often than not, they’ll want to talk about it, they’ll want to make an issue out of it, possibly want to get in a fight about it, all to distract them from what they don’t want to talk about.
If they point out that they’ve lapsed, it opens the door to you calmly asking “Why? What’s wrong? How can I help?”
Anything else is just selfish.
— J
wait.
— kasia
I’d realize that even though the question is hypothetical, I would not marry into this situation. I control not only the ending but the begining of this story.
However, this has happened to me.
My first long-term relationship was with a girl who loved to smoke marijuana. Smoking ended for her a month before the relationship began, because she knew I would not date her otherwise. One night she came to my house high. She then proceeded to smoke a joint by my pool… while talking to me.
After her last joint for that night I made out with her (even though I laothe the smell and taste of smoke.) Then I made love to her.
Afterwards she went home for the night, and she didn’t smoke pot again until our relationship ended almost a year later.
Of course I was mad, but even a two-year-old would know this just by knowing a sentence or two of background story. I opted to demonstrate to her why she hadn’t smoked in so long.
— David Martin
I’ve never really understood people who say that they have “beaten” their addiction merely by refusing to partake in whatever activity it is.
You can only say you’re over your addiction if you are able to smoke/drink/whatever within limits that it comfortable and non-destructive for you.
Now, if my (hypothetical) partner were pregnant, it’d be a different story…
— Anonymous
I’ve never really understood people who say that they have “beaten” their addiction merely by refusing to partake in whatever activity it is.
You can only say you’re over your addiction if you are able to smoke/drink/whatever within limits that it comfortable and non-destructive for you.
Now, if my (hypothetical) partner were pregnant, it’d be a different story…
notice the disproportionate number of men in the comments—talking about “her” and “she.” note also that the women tend to address the question without gender specificity (”ask. listen.”). given the implications of the question (addiction, betrayal, relationship sabotage), it kinda gives me the creeps to see how accusatory sexism is still the linguistic subtext of so much of our thinking. not to accuse anyone in particular of sexism, just an observation of a general pattern.
— paul
Paul, I’m not sure how accusatory sexism enters into this discussion. It seems to me that most people simply looked at the question from their own personal perspective, as it states “Your spouse…” Since I am a heterosexual male, my spouse will be (on the assumption I one day marry) female, so I would, by simple deduction, use the words she, her, and so forth when talking about my spouse. Sexism has nothing to do with it.
As for the actual question, I hope that I would do something along the lines of “ask, listen,” but I don’t actually know. This is a situation so outside my ken that I can’t really give a difinitive answer. I agree with shade. Perhaps I should memorize some of these answers and store them away for possible future use.
— Alex
There are too many assumptions here. Sometimes philosophical exercises concentrate too much on “what would you do here” and don’t actually help critical thinking, which is important to answer this question.
Is the person drunk, or just a few drinks? That’s important. If it was a single drink, you can sit the person down and talk to them. If it was just cigarettes, I’ll make them chew gum and talk to me.
However, Leo from West Wing had a great scene last season: “I’m an alcoholic. I can’t conceive how a person can only have one drink.”
If I were married to any one else I knew, it would probably be no big deal, because they aren’t alcoholics, and its quite possible they just never had the chance, and personally I think its no big deal.
But if the person was an alcoholic, I’d probably flip out. They’d probably be drunk out of their mind and I’d be unable to talk or reason to them. I’d try to calm down and clean them up and get them into bed, and the next morning there would be holy hell to pay. How could I possibly be so calm about such a big deal?
— Adrian
Perhaps your commenters will view me as being pedantic, but this question is not a koan. This question has an answer. A koan has no answer. Seeing as how you show an inkling of what the purpose of a koan is in the text of your post, I am surprised to find you using the word in its title.
Zen is serious business for its practitioners. I find it rather saddening to see its elements being misused by the uninitiated.
— saf
I think it says something about me that I first read this as “You are the one who hasn’t had a drink or a cigarette, and your spouse can drink and smoke. They do, and you can’t. What do you do?”
— Donna
This is one of those types of questions that tell us more about the person who answered the question rather than their actual answer.
Is your response about “me”, or is it about the other person? Are you more worried about how “I” am going to cope with this situation, or are you more concerned about how the other person is going cope with it? Is this situation a deal-breaker because of “my” reaction, or because of the other person’s action?
Who is the real selfish bastard in this question, the addict or “me”?
— CowPi
saf says, “Perhaps your commenters will view me as being pedantic, but this question is not a koan.”
I disagree. There is no *right* answer to this question. As others note, the answer I *jump to* says a lot about *me*, but it is almost certainly not exactly-the-right-thing-to-do-at-the-time.
I would defend Mark’s use of the word “koan” in this context.
re: “Zen is serious business to its practitioners.”
A koan is a question that you can not unravel without unraveling everything.
Are you looking at my finger, or are you looking at where my finger is pointing?
I suspect that Zen is capable of surviving without you leaping so zealously to its defense.
— Mark
I’d wish I had thought long and hard about this question and how to handle this sort of situation before it actually happened. (And now it did.) I’d wish I were better prepared. I’d wish I knew how to react. I’d fumble. I’d madly search my mind and body for the right thing to do, the right words to say. I’d childishly wish for a magic spell that would make the whole situation just go away. I’d bite my lip, swollow my tongue, and sweat like hell.
Then I’d act in the best way I could muster at that moment. Maybe the right way. Maybe the worst possible way. Probably somewhere in between. Probably not the way I’d hoped for, and certainly doubting my every word and every action along the way.
Hopefully things would turn out for the best. Hopefully we’d be able to talk and hug and make everything ok again. If not right away, then at least later.
I’d focus on the hope.
CowPi, to answer your last question, the selfish bastard is undoubtedly the addict. Now, if you would have asked something a bit different, I’d have a much different answer. But your words specifically included ‘addict’.
Ever dig into what Al-Anon is about? Some of the first things you learn is that (a) the addict is siffering from a disease, but that (b) the only thing a family member can deal with is their own emotions and actions.
There is nothing wrong, nothing bastardly selfish about looking out for one’s self. Since the addict has to first decide to overcome their weakness/illness for themself and nothing their spouse can do will affect that, the spouse simply must look out for themself.
Besides, the question being asked was what would you, the spouse, do. Of course the answers would focus on the spouse.
To those who answered flippantly, shame on you. Obviously you haven’t had to deal with something as personally shattering as this. If this story involves a spouse and his/her addiction, the lives ruined not only include the spouse and their mate, but the children too. If the addict gets behind the wheel of a car while under the influence, it could alter the course of several anonymous human beings too. If the addict creates trust issues - and they usually do - the impact on those afected lasts a long long time. Shame on you.
For those who wondered if this is about addiction, please note in my earlier comment (#4) is spoke of listening first and not rushing to judgement - part of that judgement is about whether this situation involves addiction. ALso note that earlier in this comment I pointedly said _if_ this is about addiction.
— Dave
You did not mention weather or not the person involved was hooked on smokes or booze. It would depend on the parameters. Which in the case mentioned are open ended. However, the behavior described above has probably has manifested itself somehow within those 12 years you just did not see it. I have observed this in my friends relationships.
— Don
I don’t know what I would do.
— Anonymous
I would wait for more information. Some of these responses scare me. I agree that there is some sexism or anger issues involved. Maybe that’s one of the reasons she drank. If I were ‘her’ then I would hope I’d have someplace else to go other than home.
— Anonymous
Dave, we learned something about you based on your reply.
There are two points implied in my original question. One, we are *all* selfish to some degree or another; and two, I refer to Mark ’s metaphor, “Are you looking at my finger, or are you looking at where my finger is pointing?”
How you answer this koan tells us where you are looking, and that tells us something about you.
— CowPi
CowPi, point well taken. I learned alot from all the comments here myself. And reading back through mine, I believe anyone could rightfully say they learned alot about me.
I’ll stand by my feelings, however well I communicated them. No rush to judgement with my spouse (trust me, 6 years is certainly not a rush to judgement nor action - speaking for my case) and when I did judge and “pointed my finger” it was a selfish act that the only alternatives would have resulted in further ruin of MY life.
Mark, this was a great exercise in human behavior. Someday I hope you’ll post or write your feelings about the comments posted here!
— Dave
i don’t know what i would do. i know what i think i would do and i know what i would like to do, but there are so many different ways i could imagine reacting and it wouldn’t be any of those, i predict.
— xian
I’d ask, “where the hell have you been for twelve years?”
And if I’m being completely honest, I would be aroused.
— bmo
This would depend on what OTHER smells I detect.
If its just cigarettes and booze, Id let him sleep it off and try to find out in the morning what happened to cause the lapse and what could be done to prevent another.
On the other hand, if there was any odor of foreign perfume or body fluids, you would hear a low boom in the distance, feel the earth shake, and see a glow on the horizon. Then I’d give him a bottle of vodka, a pack of smokes, and kick his ass to the curb next to his clothes.
Let him take it from there.
— chlora
Jump in the hole.
http://diveintomark.org/archives/2003/11/27/way-out
— Mark