dive into mark

I had my lunch today on a carb-counting bagel. This is new, or at least new to me, in my brand, in my store. We went shopping last weekend and there they were, next to the toaster-style bagels (which I normally eat) and the New York-style bagels (which I normally try to avoid, as they are almost twice the calories of the toaster-style bagels, and not as good). I make my lunch every weekday, the same sandwich every day, so any small change in my diet could have a large cumulative effect. That’s the theory, anyway.

The reality is carb-counting bagels. This travesty is, presumably, in response to the overwhelming popularity of the Atkins diet — popularity which, as far as I can tell, is based on convincing millions of Americans that the real problem with their daily Ultra-Happy-Double-Cheeseburger habit is the bun. I can certainly see why this would catch on; I can also see why bread manufacturers of all kinds would be worried.

A related note, and only a short digression: recently at the Y, the only place I still see commercials, I have seen commercials for various light beers which have, allegedly, half the carbs of other light beers. I don’t remember names, and it doesn’t matter. What matters, again, is the message that your main problem is not your slovenly lifestyle of sports bars and pool halls and video games and deep fat turkey fryers and no exercise — it’s your choice of light beer.

Back to carb-counting bagels. I bought one pack of the old kind and one pack of the new kind, so as to be able to compare them side by side. I can report that carb-counting bagels are different than regular bagels in 3 important ways:

1. They are slightly smaller.
2. They have approximately 30% fewer calories and 40% fewer carbohydrates.
3. They have the taste and texture of recycled paper.

I am reminded at this point of Sandra Boynton’s classic work, Chocolate: The Consuming Passion, in which she succinctly and accurately describes the experience of white chocolate. White chocolate, she says, looks like this:

Smells like this:

And tastes like this:

And so it is with the carb-counting bagels. They are a most evil creation, vile and bland, an affront against nature and taste buds and most likely God and so forth. When I eat one, I am reminded of Smith’s rant in the first Matrix movie. I feel saturated by their overarching blandness, I can taste it, and every time I do, I feel that I have somehow been infected by it.

I did some rough back of the envelope calculations and determined that if I were to eat my daily sandwich on a carb-counting bagel instead of a regular bagel, and otherwise did not change my daily food consumption in any way, after three months I would lose one pound and kill myself.

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