dive into mark

TYPEKEY, TYPEKey, TypeKey, typekey, … The latest round of echoing in our humble chamber is all about TypeKey. If you read any weblogs over the weekend, first of all, you are a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. Don’t you have a family or something? Take a break. This isn’t Evercrack. And second of all, you would have learned that TypeKey is a vaporware comment authentication service from SixApart. It will come standard with Movable Type 3.0, which should be shipping around the time pigs fall out of my ass and take flight.

TypeKey is centralized, so naturally lots of control freaks who run their own weblogs are against it. It’s not open source, so naturally lots of commie bastards who run un-American open source software are against it. And it’s not from Dave Winer, so naturally Dave Winer is against it. I am reflexively in favor of anything Dave Winer is against. But let’s look at the facts before we jump to conclusions. After all, this is the blogosphere, and we’re known for that.

The first fact to consider is that TypeKey is the wrong solution, because it’s centralized. This is more of an axiom, really, and not open for debate. Microsoft Passport is centralized, and that was axiomatically bad, so this must be like that, and bad. Also, something about Microsoft, and patents. So this must be patented too. The logic is inescapable. OK, TypeKey is not actually from Microsoft. But SixApart is obviously trying to become Microsoft, and by Microsoft, I mean successful. Software companies should never aspire to success; they should be run by megalomaniacal multi-millionaires who don’t need the money.

Also, weblogs are all about decentralization. That’s why Dave Winer invented a centralized comment system for Radio, a centralized pinging service, and a centralized comment authentication service. But the one thing that you might actually want to use from more than one place? No, that you have to run on your own computer. Decentralization, people. That’s what it’s all about.

Wait, did I hear you say that Dave invented a centralized comment authentication service? Why, yes! It’s called the You Know Me button. I have no idea how it works, but Dave has humbly offered to run it, so it must be good. I mean, really. Also, it uses XML-RPC in some way. What’s not to like? And I would trust Dave Winer with my email address way more than I would trust Mena Trott. I mean, Jesus Christ, people, have you seen pictures of that woman? She’s a Persian cat and a monocle away from a James Bond villain. And it’s not like Dave would ever use my email address to spam me.

OK, so maybe You Know Me isn’t the answer either. Because as any rational person would agree, if we use a centralized service of any kind, then the terrorists have already won. I mean really, people. Plus, there’s not a single instance of a centralized service in the weblogging community that works well and scales. Just look at Technorati, or Feedster, or Blogdex, or Bloglines. OK, bad examples. But I’m sure there are examples of poorly-designed centralized services that don’t scale, and therefore, well, QED. Yes, and oddly enough, they all seem to use XML-RPC. But I’m sure that’s a coincidence.

Look, people, the correct answer here is FOAF. I don’t remember what the question was, but that never seems to matter. The correct answer is always FOAF. Or LOAF. Or LOAF. Yes! That’s what we need: an authentication system powered by LOAF. We’ll call it the You Blow Me button. You click it, and then you have to enter all your information anyway. Quick, somebody whip up an Antipixel icon for that puppy. Before the terrorists win.

Update (courtesy of Button Maker)

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