What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Cringely recently related this joke he heard from Ronald Reagan:
Two Irish ladies were at the wake for their dear friend. “Poor Mollie,” said the first woman, looking down at the body, “she had such a hard life. First she married Mike, who gave her five crying children in six years. He beat her and never worked a day in his life. Then Mike up and died, and she married Johnny, who was even worse, giving her seven more children and not a penny of support. He was drunk all the time until he died, too. And now Mollie is gone, worked to death taking care of those 12 kids.”
“Well, at least they are together at last,” replied the second woman.
“You mean together in Heaven?” asked the first woman. “But is Mollie together with Mike or with Johnny?”
“I was referring to her legs.”
A Native American has been kidnapped. You may have seen the signs: “Watch for Falling Rock.”
One Native American was so upset at the lack of police assistance in looking into the kidnapping that he staged a protest. He sat outside of his wigwam and stayed up all night drinking 400 cups of tee.
The next day, they found him dead in his teepee.
Also, in Reading, PA where I grew up, they pronounced it “Skoo-kill.”
— Lex 
In the mid fifties, there was a quite famous Baron that liked to go on safari. He’d hunted lions, zebra, elephants, you name it. He had quite a reputation for being an expert hunter.
He’d started to get bored with run of the mill game though, so when he heard about a giant gorilla running around the jungle, he decided that was a worthy challenge. The only trouble was, nobody had been able to track it except for the locals. Being too proud to ask for help, he spent a month in the jungle, getting all kinds of nasty rashes as he went about hunting this legendary creature.
Day after day, he got closer and closer, until he finally managed to catch up with it. It was lying unconcious in the middle of a clearing, with a skinny native boy standing on top of it, grinning away.
The Baron says “Bloody hell, I’m the world’s most famous hunter, and I’ve spent weeks tracking that damn thing! How on earth did you knock it out?”
The kid goes “Oh, that was easy, I used my club.”
The Baron goes “Crikey! That must be one big club!”
The kid goes “Oh, it’s huge. There’s four hundred of us.”
I apologise. Really.
— Jim
Continuing with the engineering theme:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “The creator must have been a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it had to be an electrical engineer. The nervous system has so many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?
Disclaimer: My father is a civil engineer.
— Neil T.
What’s brown and Sticky?
A stick
— Anonymous
Most of the people I hang around tell very bad jokes … this is one of the better ones:
Q: How do you kill a unique rabbit?
A: u-nique up on it.
Q: How do you kill a tame rabbit?
A: same way. u-nique up on it.
My favorite jokes are always situational, those “you had to be there” type of jokes. Canned jokes can be amusing, but most of the you can’t get more than a chuckle from them.
So, a baby seal walks into a club…
— Brian C
Q: Why did the kid fall off his Bike?
A: Because a fridge fell on him.
— jaron
Michael, isn’t it supposed to be “tame way, u-nique up on it”?
I’ve only got one joke, but it’s rather long. And so I’ll save it.
— Hans
A man and a parrot sit next to each other in a plane. The service in the plane is really bad, the man hasn’t had a drink for hours and he’s starting to dehydrate. The parrot on the other hand is getting drink after drink by the harrowed cabin crew. Each time the parrot orders a drink it does so with a lot of cursing and shouting. The man decides to follow the same tactic and starts shouting: “he b*tch get me a whiskey!”. To his suprise he gets his whiskey and follows through with the same tactic. Soon, both man and parrot outdo each other in shouting and insults untill the cabin crew has had enough. They grab the man and parrot and throw them out of the plane. Now both of them are plummeting towards the ground below when the parrot says to the man: “boy, for someone who can’t fly you sure do curse a lot”.
— Anonymous
Two mathematicians are in a local diner, arguing. The first mathematician is complaining that the average citizen knows *nothing* about math, people are idiots who don’t even know how to balance their checkbooks these days, and the world is generally going to hell in a handbasket. The second mathematician is objecting, telling his friend that the situation isn’t that bad, and warning him not to underestimate the average citizen’s mathematical knowledge.
After much argument, the first mathematician staggers off to the restroom. The second mathematician calls the tired-looking waitress over.
“Yeah, hun?”
He hands her $20. “I’d like to play a little joke on my friend when he gets back. I’m going to ask you a question. When you answer, I want you to answer, ‘X squared.’ Can you do that for me?”
“Sure, hun, whatever.”
After a few minutes, the first mathematician returns and sits down. The second mathematician says, “Look, I’ll *show* you that the average citizen knows more about math than you think they do.” He waves the waitress over.
“Yeah, hun, what can do for ya?”
“I just have a simple question for you, ma’am. Can you tell me what the answer to the integral of 2x dx is?”
The waitress scrunches up her face. “Sure, hun, thats… X squared.”
The second mathematician leans back in his chair, looks at his friend, and smiles smugly.
Then the waitress calls over her shoulder, “Plus a constant.”
— Evan
A “classic” from Northern England (I really learned this at too young an age):
Three kids are walking down the street, called Shit, Fuck Off and Your Manners. For some, unexplained reason, Shit collapses. Your Manners stays to see to him, while Fuck Off runs round the corner for help.
He runs into a stereotypical English policeman and starts gibbering at him, visibly shaken, in an attempt to solicit help. The policeman says “‘Allo, ‘allo! Calm down, young lad! Now, tell me, what’s your name?”
“Fuck Off” comes the reply. “Now, now!” says the policeman, “Where’s your manners?”. The boy replies “Round the corner picking up Shit”.
Mark — You showed that jokes are like opinions, everyone has one. :)
Here’s mine: I’ve always wanted to be a procrastinator.
— Mark W.
Hans,
Yes. it is supposed to be “tame” and not “same.” Apparently, the only time I can type correctly is when I try not to.
More on the engineering theme: (blatently ripped from one of many emails containing the same stupidities featured above)
Two engineers are walking to class when one says, “Where’d you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replies, “Well yesterday I was on my way home when this beautiful girl rode in front of me, tossed the bike and her clothes to the ground and declared, ‘Take what you want!’”
The first engineer nods in approval, “Good choice – the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
— Mark
This is from Kevin, who is the funniest guy I know.
All across the kingdom, the news travelled quickly that the Queen’s bell-ringer, who faithfully served the royal family for decades, had passed. The Queen made the royal decree that she was looking for someone to come and take his place.
The next day, a humble peasant was first in the long line of applicants for the job. “My Queen,” he entreated her, “since I was a youth, I have always wanted to serve our kingdom and the royal family in this way. Let me be your bell-ringer, and I will serve in earnest all the days of my life.”
The Queen appreciated the peasant’s words, but was puzzled. “My humble servant, I have but one question: how can you serve the kingdom as the royal bell-ringer? You don’t have any arms!”
The peasant smiled and said simply, “Take me to the tower and I will show you.”
The Queen, her entourage, and the peasant climbed the steps of the bell tower until they reached the top. The peasant looked over his shoulder at the queen, “Behold!” And with that, the peasant ran to the far side of the room, spun around and ran directly at the bell. Faster and faster he ran then leapt, flew through the air, and–WHAM!–hit the bell full-force with his face.
Stunned, the Queen hesitated. But, when she heard the bell peal as never before, she told the peasant, “the position is yours.”
Weeks went by as the peasant served faithfully and punctually, and always in the same way: he would run across the room, spin around, charge directly at the bell, leap, and–WHAM!–hit the bell full-force with his face.
Until, that is, one fateful morning when the peasant woke up late. Certain he could still make it in time, he ran from his common home, tore across the kingdom, scrambled up the tower, across the room, spun, leapt and…missed the bell entirely! He instead flew across the room, out the nearby window and plummeted a thousand feet to his death.
Having heard the commotion, the castle guards ran upstairs to find the empty room. They looked out the window to find a crowd gathering around the peasant’s body. The one guard looks at each other and says, “My God–that poor man! Have you any idea who he is?”
The other:
(wait for it!)
“I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.”
A penguin, bored with the Antarctic weather, was on holiday driving through outback Australia when he started hearing a strange knocking sound from the car’s engine. Knowing how dangerous it would be for a polar sea-bird to be stuck in the middle of the desert, he quickly pulled into the next service-station.
The mechanic took a quick look at the car, and said “Mate, it’ll take me a few minutes to find out what’s going on”, so the penguin ducked (penguined?) into the shop and bought an ice-cream. Unfortunately, the hot sun was melting the ice-cream, and penguin flippers not being the most dextrous of limbs, he got as much ice-cream on his face as he did in his mouth.
Rather annoyed now, the penguin went back to the mechanic to see what was wrong. The mechanic looked at the penguin for a moment, and shook his head.
“Mate, I’m sorry, but it looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
“No, no!”, replied the penguin. “It’s only ice-cream!”
A joke a friend in calculus class came up with:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To make a normal vector.
Physics joke:
Q: Why did the cat fall off the roof?
A: It didn’t have enough mew.
So, this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.
The barman, being an observant sort of bloke, says “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel attached to your crotch?”
“Arrrr,” says the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
But… isn’t “fuck who” correct? (tries to remember grammar)
Anyway. A termite walks into a pub, and says, “Is the bartender here?”
— Matthew Wilson
Here’s an Austrian joke (Mostviertler’ dialect – very strange but funny):
“Zwa Leichn sitzn auf an Bam, ane fliagt vom Bam owe und is sufurt dod.” – in English: “Two corpses are sitting on a tree. One of them fell of it and was immediately dead.”
— Philipp
I don’t know why, but I find this joke TREMENDOUSLY funny.
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks
My favourite university jokes were always a bit surreal …
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the giraffe and another to fill the wheel barrow with brightly colour machine tools.
What is the similarity between a monkey and a bicycle?
The both have wheels expect for the monkey.
What is the difference between a duck?
The one eye is blue and the other eye is also green.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.
Boom, boom, drum roll ….
— Adrian
A baby seal crawls into a bar, and the bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”
“Oh, anything–except Canadian Club.”
— Allan
Two molecules are walking down the street. One suddenly stops and says, “Wait, I think I dropped an electron.” The other looks at him and asks “Are you positive?”
What did George Washington do with his armies during the winter at Valley Forge? a. He put them in his sleevies!
— david
Q: How would you solve a hypothetical problem that you’re unlikely to experience in real life?
A: By doing something unexpected that results in a pun or a reevaluation of your understanding of the question.
— Anonymous
Ronald Reagan, Michael Gorbatsjov and Margaret Thatcher appear before God.
God to Reagan: “Son, what have you done to deserve a place in Heaven?”
Reagan: “I brought the Evil Empire to its knees, freed millions of people from communism and ended the Cold War.”
God: “Very good my son, come sit by my right side.”
God to Gorbatsjov: “And you son, what have you done to deserve a place in Heaven?”
Gorbatsjov: “I introduced perestroijka and glasnost, and guided the Soviet Union away from communism while avoiding armed revolution and bloodshed.”
God: “Very good my son, come sit by my left side.”
Next, God turns to Thatcher and says: “And you sister, what have you done?”
Thatcher replies (high-pitched voice, English accent): “In the first place, I am not your sister, and in the second, get out of my chair!”
— Jaap
How do you make a cat go ‘woof’?
Cover it in petrol and set light to it.
What’s brown and sticky?
A brown stick.
Argh a dupe, sorry. Well how about…
A guy walks into a pet shop and says “Can I buy a wasp?”
The shop owner looks incredulously at him and says “they don’t sell wasps.”
They guy says “Well there’s one in the window!”
Astrophysics joke:
A spiral galaxy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman says “Get out, you’re barred”
— Mark Piper
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other ‘how do you drive this thing?’
Two birds on a perch, ones says to the other ’smell something fishy?’
Man walks into a bar. Ouch.
Fish swims up a river and hits a wall. Damn.
I am from SA, and funny enough when (I was in the other side of the planet) in Estonia I heard two of the possibly oldest jokes I know from a Latvian.
The one about the gay guy farting.
The other one about the singing blow job.
Er, that’s funny.
My favorite engineer joke…
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing golf, and find themselves behind a group of very bad golfers, who keep hitting the balls the wrong way, driving their carts into the sand traps, etc.
They call the owner of the golf course over and ask him what’s up, and he explains “Oh, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving some children from a burning building, so now I let them play for free whenever they want.”
The priest says “Oh, how tragic. I’ll have to remember to include them and their families in my prayers.”
The doctor says “It is tragic, but you know, there have been some remarkable advances in opthamology lately. I wonder if there isn’t some new surgery that could restore their vision?”
And the engineer says “Why don’t they just play at night?”
— Anonymous
History major chiming in:
Q: How do you get a history major off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
— Jason
One day a pair of whales, Lucy and Fred, were swimming along when they came across their friend Ned, who looked terribly sad. They asked him what was wrong.
Ned said, “You see that boat up there? It killed my father.”
Fred said, “That’s terrible. But I know what we can do. We’ll take deep breaths, swim under the boat, then exhale and upset the boat. And then we’ll eat the sailors.”
Ned thought this was a great idea, but Lucy said, “Fred, Fred, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times. I don’t mind doing blowjobs, but there’s no way I’m swallowing any seaman.”
— Anonymous
In German, “blond” has “dumb” as a second meaning.
A blind man walks into a bar and tells the barkeeper:
- Would you like me to tell you a Blonds joke?
Says the barkeeper:
- Consider first: I am blond; the bouncer is blond; the man to your left is a blond wrestler; the man to your right is a blond weightlifter; and the man over there is a blond bodybuilder. Do you still want to tell your joke?
- No, says the blind. Don’t feel like explaining it five times.
— Crissi
Speaking as someone who lives in Philadelphia, and drives on I-76 (The Schuylkill Expressway) every single day, I can definitely say that it is pronounced “Skoo-kill” (as Lex stated in comment 3). Surekill is just a nickname, albeit a rather appropriate one.
The combination of twists & turns, sudden stops, people driving 40 MPH in the left lane, the ridiculously short & angled accleration lanes, and choke points (like City Avenue) that are backed up for miles during rush hour make it an interesting driving experience, to say the least. And of course, it’s only 2 lanes in each direction, an irrepairable design flaw that causes the Schuylkill to become backed up constantly. It can’t be expanded, because of the river. It can’t be double-decked, because of the train lines that run over it. And unlike Boston’s Big Dig project, it can’t be dug under either. By the time it was built, it was already obselete.
Of course, it has its benefits. Drive east from Spring Garden to University Ave at 8 PM, and you’ll smell donuts. I’m not kidding! Also, it’s not so bad, since once you get past City Avenue going westbound, there aren’t any billboards Quite nice when the traffic is light.
P.S. holy crap, I sure did make a lot of typos in that post! :)
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, “How do you drive this thing?”
Two parrots on a perch. One says to the other, “Can you smell fish?”
Two herons beside a bank. One says to the other, “I think I’m overdrawn.”
— Marnanel
Q: What’s the best way to see flying saucers?
A: Pinch the waitress.
…
Q: If George Washington were alive today, what would he be famous for?
A: Old age.
— Jon
Two nuns are riding bicycles down an unfamiliar road.
One nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.”
The second nun says, “It must be the cobblestones.”
— Randy
Foo: “How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
Bar: “I don’t know, how many?”
Foo: “Let’s ride bikes!”
–
A sentient length of string (bear with me here) walks into a bar. The bartender orders him to exit, stating, “We don’t serve strings in here!” Back on the street, the string is now quite wound up, and starting to feel a bit frazzled. Angrily he storms back into the bar, and when the bartender sees him again, asks him, “Ain’t you that string that was just in here?”
The string replies, “No, I’m a frayed not. Can I get a beer?”
— Choop
Why do woman wear makeup and perfume?
Because they’re ugly and they smell.
— Matthew
My favorite political joke:
A pessimist says the glass is half empty.
An optimist says the glass is half full.
A Republican says, “Hey, who drank half of MY glass of water?”
— Charles
A traffic cop pulls over Werner Heisenberg. He walks up to Heisenberg and asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I can tell you exactly where I am.”
Schuylkill is actually pronounced “Scoogul”, if we are thinking of the same expressway.
Walk this way.
–If I could walk that way I wouldn’t need the talcum powder.
— billg
what does an elephant use as a tampon?
a sheep.
— sleeper
A skeleton walks into a bar an orders a beer and a mop.
— Maurie Reed
Since someone took my favorite ‘Frayed Knot’ joke already, here’s a close second…
—
A man walks into a bar and sits down in front of the bartender. He orders a drink. While waiting for the drink, he casually reaches into one pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. He reaches into another pocket and pulls out a little man. The little man, who couldn’t have been over a foot tall, goes up to the piano and promptly starts playing.
Beautiful music fills the bar.
The bartender goes up to the guy and asks where he got the musician. The guy replied that there was a genie just down the block who would grant just one wish.
The bartender went outside and down the block. There was a huge crowd around the genie. The bartender waited a really long time. Finally, it was his turn. The genie greeted him, ‘Hello, I am a genie and I will grant you one wish.’
The bartender said, “I want a million bucks.” All of a sudden, there were a million ducks! They were quacking and following the bartender. The bartender tried to scatter the ducks, but they all came right back.
The bartender went back to the bar, went up the the guy with the miniture piano player, and said, ‘What a lousy genie. I asked for a million bucks and got a million ducks!’
The guy at the bar looked at the bartender and said, ‘You don’t really believe that I asked for a 10 inch pianist, do you?’
Foo: Do you know difference etween toilet paper and curtains?
Bar: Errr…. No?
Foo: They you were that bastard!!!
— Martins
Person One: Knock-knock
Person Two: Who’s there?
Person One: Control freak. Now YOU say “Control freak who” !
— cheekygeek
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says “you must be in management.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was great.
-
So this sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender comes over and says “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food.”
— Trey
Cinderella’s only wish is to attend a ball the Prince is having, but alas, her wicked stepmother won’t allow it. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needed to go to the ball. She grants Cinderella all her wishes and sends Cinderella to the ball in a beautiful blue dress with crystal slippers, a glorious carriage with 6 white horses and 2 handsome coachmen.
As Cinderella was about to board her carriage, she looks pleadingly at her fairy godmother and says:
“I’m sorry fairy godmother, but there’s one more thing…”
“What is that my dear?”
Cinderella leans towards her fairy godmothers ear and in a hushed voice explains that it is currently ‘her time of the month’. The fairy godmother blushes, steps back and looks around her.
“Well that just won’t do!” she exclaims.
Spying a lonely pumpkin sitting next to her the fairy godmother waves her wand and magically transforms it into a tampon. As she hands it to Cinderella the fairy godmother explains:
“Cinderella, you MUST be home by midnight, it is then that my magic spell will be broken and everything will return to it’s original form. I will be waiting here for you when you return”
Midnight comes and goes with no sign of Cinderella. An hour passes, then two. Nervously the fairy godmother paces back and forth staring at her watch wondering what might have happened.
Finally, at 3 o’clock, Cinderella walks through the door, with a blissful look of contentment on her face.
“Where have you been?!” demands the fairy godmother. “I was sick with worry!”
“Oh fairy godmother!” Cinderella sighs “I was on my way home, careful to be back by midnight when I ran into the most charming gentleman…. Peter, Peter… what’s his name?”
***
For those unversed in children’s literature… Peter’s name is the infamous ‘Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater’.
— Khurd
Mahatma Ghandi was an amazingly spiritual man, but physically he was quite a wreck.
His penchant for going barefoot led to him having enormously tough feet. His diet, such as it was between hunger strikes, meant he was very thin and frail. It also had the side effect of giving him very bad breath.
In fact you could say he was a super-calloused, fragile mystic cursed by halitosis.
— Tom
I think these are all my dad’s:
What’s the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory, thinking that they’re making sleeping bags for mice
Man walks into a bar, with a _huge_ newt on his shoulder. He goes to the bartender and says “a beer for me and a whiskey for Tiny”. The drinks arrive, he drinks the beer and holds the whiskey up to the newt, that laps it up. He orders a few more drinks and eventually the bartender, overcome by curiousity, says “That thing’s bloody huge, so why do you call it Tiny?”
To which the man replies “Because he’s my newt”
— Meri
I guess I can merge a few commonalities with this one … :
A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says the glass is half full. An engineer says, “Why all the wasted space?”
How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb.
Just Juan.
— Robin
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes his beers to a table, and takes a sip from each mug in turn, until all three are empty. Then he proceeds to the bar and orders three more beers. The bartender looks irritated and explains that if he orders one beer at a time, they’ll be fresher and more enjoyable. “Well,” says the Irishman, “I just moved here from Ireland, and left my two dear brothers at home. We made a promise to each other that whenever we drink, we’ll pour a pint for whichever brother isn’t there.” The bartender thinks about it, says “Fair enough,” and pours another three beers.
Over time, the Irishman becomes a regular, and the bartender knows to pour three beers for him. One day, the Irishman comes in and orders two beers and then sits down at the table. The bartender brings him the two beers, and offers his condolences for the loss of his brother. The Irishman looks at him strangely, then smiles and says “Oh no, both my brothers are fine! I just quit drinking!”
An accountant, a lawyer, and a physicist are having a beer and talking about how to deal with women. The accountant says “Have girlfriend. You keep your independence and can spend more time with your friends.” The lawyer says “Better to have a wife. She can help you advance your career.” The physicist says “No, no. Best to have a wife *and* a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you’re with the girlfriend and the girlfriend thinks you’re with the wife. Meanwhile you can be down at the lab.”
Since I spend all my time playing poker, I tell this with appropriate substitutions.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. After taking a long and quite tasty swig, the neutron sits the drink down and asks the bartender “How much?”
Bartender replies “for you… no charge.”
— Charles
State trooper pulls over a man driving a pickup truck full of penguins. “What’s with the penguins?”. Man says, “they were all on the side of the road about to be run over so I picked them up.” Trooper says, “You should take them to the zoo.”
Next day the trooper pulls over the same guy with the penguins but they’re all wearing sun glasses. “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?” Man says, “I did yesterday – had lot’ of fun. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”
— John I
Q. What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
A. “Make me one with everything.”
— Tom
What do you call a naked pirate in a room with a wolf?
Conceptual aaaaaaaart!
I made that up.
— Paul Ford
one of my favorite bad physics jokes:
a bar walks into a man.
oops. wrong reference frame.
— Anonymous
BAD PARROT
There’s this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad, says “OK, for you” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches.
When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled.
After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “I’m awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astonished. He can’t understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”
Following on from KEn Walker:
The next day, the queen once again held auditions for the position of bell ringer. Believe it or not, once again there was a armless guy in the line-up.
Intrigued, the queen called him over and he explains the previous guy was his twin brother and that he’d like to try and audition in his honour.
The queen grants his wish and so up to the bell tower they go. Exactly like his brother the peasants runs to the far side of the room, spins around and runs directly at the bell. Faster and faster he runs then leaps, flies through the air, and–
BAM
completely misses the bell and sails out of the window behind the bell, dropping to the ground, dead.
The guard down below hollers up to the queen and entourage: “who was that?”
Answers the queen:
“I don’t know, but he is a dead ringer for his brother.”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and could kill you if it fell from a tree?
A pool table.
— Paul "Thetorpedodog"
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
***
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
NACHO CHEESE!!
***
What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over a hill?
“Here come the elephants.”
What did Tarzan say when he saw the same herd of elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
“I don’t recognize them.”
— Ryan Vandehey
One fine afternoon, a small boy walks in on his parents having sex (mother-on-top.) He gasps, and runs out to his room. His mother hears him, gets dressed, and goes to him.
“Honey, are you all right?” asks the mother, and receives no reply. “You see, your Daddy has a great big stomach, and every once in a while, I bounce up and down on top of him to smooth it back out.”
“Oh,” says the boy, coming out from hiding, “Well, then you’re wasting your time.”
“Why’s that?” asks the mother.
“Because when you go shopping, our next-door neighbor comes over, gets down on her knees, and blows it back up again!”
— jagtrev
::must be told in a soft, genteel Southern accent, like that of Mississippi::
One night two Southern belles are sitting out on the verandah sipping mint julips when one belle says to the other, “you see that barn out there? My daddy built me that barn to hold all my horses. I can go ridin’ any time I want to.”
“How nice,” replies her friend.
“You see that tree house out there? My daddy built me that tree house when I was young so that I could have sleepovers whenever I wanted to. We had pillow fights and told ghost stories and I even smoked one of daddy’s cigarrettes.”
“How nice,” came the reply.
“You see that Cadillac out there? My daddy bought me that Cadillac so that I would have something big and safe to drive. It even has custom license plates that say ‘daddy’s girl’ and everything.”
“How nice,” her friend replied.
“So, honey… what did your daddy ever do for you?”
“Well. My daddy sent me to a finishin’ school so that I could learn to say ‘how nice’ instead of FUCK YOU!”
A man goes to a fancy dress party naked, carrying a woman on his back. After several people have given him some puzzled, and rather revolted looks, one other guest comes up to ask the inevitable question, “So, what have you come as?” “A snail.” the man replies.
“Right,” replies the other guest, “and what’s with the woman?”
“Ah,” explains the man, “that’s Michelle.”
…
(“my shell”)
— Francis Barton
My favourite joke ever was a long-winded one about a man who is determined to discover why toast “always” falls butter-side down.
He consults the local baker, the local judge, the local minister, then goes to a famous scientist, the Prime Minister, the Pope etc etc.
The really annoying thing is I have totally forgotten how the joke actually goes, and what the punchline is.
So, if anyone knows it, *please* post it here, I would love to remember it!
— Francis Barton
A Texan is walking around on the campus at Harvard and stops one of the students.
“Scuse me, he says. Where’s the library at?”
“At Harvard, we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
“Scuse me… Where’s the library at, asshole.”
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Can’t be done – it’s a hardware problem.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year… that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven’t heard back. Guess I won that stupid argument!
— Julie Romanowski
There were three men caught as Prisoners of War. One would be executed Monday, one Tuesday, and one Wednesday. On Monday, the first POW was brought before the firing squad. As the sergeant was saying “Ready, Aim…” the POW shouted “TORNADO!” The firing squad ran for cover, and the man got away. On Tuesday, the man to be executed had the same idea, so as the sergeant was saying “Ready, Aim…” the POW should “HURRICANE!” The firing squad ran for cover, and the man got away. So Wednesday rolls around, and the remaining POW decides to try his luck with the same escape technique. The sergeant says “Ready, Aim…”, and the POW shouts out “FIRE!” Then the firing squad shoots him.
— Dan
It’s not my favourite joke but the appropriate sequel to Sleeper’s joke is
Q. Why do elephants have long trunks?
A. Because sheep don’t have strings.
Sorry.
— Zac
A bear and a rabbit are in the brush. Both are relieving themselves. “Hey, Rabbit, ” says the bear, “Do you find when you take a dump that the shit sticks to your fur?”
“No,” replies the rabbit, “never had that problem.”
So the bear reaches over, picks up the rabbit, wipes his ass with it, throws the rabbit off to the side and walks away.
###
Why did the chicken wear red suspenders? In case there was a fire across the road.
###
Does anyone recall the setup for the joke that ends with the punchline, “Give Leroy a break!“???? I fear this is a horribly racist one, but recall hearing it a few years ago and somehow can remember nothing else about it. It was hysterical (though regrettably non-PC), but it also was making the rounds at about the same time the NY Times was running TV ads with a similar theme, touting their Sports Section. Really. I remember the Times ads, but not the “Leroy” joke.
Of coutrse, anyone who is familair with the NY Times realizes that the Times doing advertising promoting the Sports Section is funnier than many of the knee-slappers posted above.
FOO : “What has 4 legs, a tail and barks?”
BAR : “A Dog?”
FOO : “Oh, you’ve already heard that one …”
— Anonymous
Q- Why did God create economists?
A- So meteorologists would not look quite so bad.
— Anonymous
Q: Why is a raven like a writing desk? [from Lewis Carroll]
A: Because there is a B in both. [from a reader]
— Anonymous
Since the fraid knot joke came and went, here’s a couple of military ones instead.
An Airman (lower enlisted in the Air Force) was in the bathroom one day when a Navy Officer came in to use the facilities. The navy officer noticed that the airman didn’t wash his hands as he was leaving. In a rather loud voice, he commented, “In the Navy, the yteach us to wash our hands after pissing.” The airman replied “Well, in the Air Force they teach us to not piss on out hands in the first place!”
One day at an Armed Forces picnic, an Army General, a Navy Admiral, a Marine General and an Air Force General were sitting around talking. Eventualy a heated discussion arouse as to which branch has the most guts. “Navy has the most guts, watch this. Seaman! I want to you hand youself off that yardarm!”
“Yessir” he replies and runs off to carry out the order.
The Army General snorts, “That’s not guts, now this is guts. Solier.”
“Sir?”
“I want you to shoot yourself with this M-16.”
BLAM! guy shoots himself.
“Bah!” says the Marine General, “Watch this. Soldier, I want you to shoot yourself, *while* climbing that yardarm.” The marine does as he’s told.
The Air Force General puts his cigar down and says, “Oh yeah, watch this. Airman. Did you see what that marine jsut did?” The airman nods. “I want you to do the same.”
The airman looks the General square in the in the eye and says “Fuck you sir!”
“Gentlemen, now THAT is guts.”
Two guys walk into a bar, you’;d think the second guy would have ducked.
A guy wnaders into a bar and orders a beer. As he looks aorund, he sees a jar full of money and asks the bartender about it. “Oh, well you see that donkey over there? You put in five dollars and you get a chance to make the donkey laugh. If he laughs, you win the money.”
Guy puts in his money and heads over to the donkey and whispers in the donkey’s ear. The donkey busts up and starts laughing it’s head off. “Well, a deal is a deal here’s your money.”
Two days later, same guy, same bar, same donkey. New pot of money. “Same as last time?” he asks.
“Nope” replies the bartender,” now you have to make him cry.” Guy puts in his money, heads over and in a moment, the donkey is crying like there’s no tomorrow.
As he hands over the money, the bar keeper asks, “How’d you do it.”
The guy smiles and says, “Well, the first time, I told him mine was bigger than his. Today I proved it.”
A group of engineering students were taking a train to a conference when a group of math majors joined them. The engineers noticed that the math majors only had one ticket amongst the entire group. Laughing and giggling the ymade fun of them that they couldn’t really count. Just them another math major walked in and said “He’s comming” They then proceeded to all pile into the batch room together. The conductor came in, collected and punch each of the tickets from the engineers, then knocked on the bathroom door “Ticket Please”. Out slid one ticket, he punches it and slides it back under, “Thank you.” The engineers stare in disbelief.
After the conference, the same two groups are o nteh return trip. This time the engineers had only one ticket, while the math majors didn’t even have one. At the signal, the math majors piled into the bathroom, while the engineers piled into another. Amoment later, one of the math majors exited the bathroom, knocked on the room with the engineers were, “Ticket Please” and out slid the ticket.
TG
My wife’s cousin manages a small women’s shoe store here in downtown Philly (coincidentally it’s on the same block we all used to grab sushi, Mark). It turns out she’s been boinking the UPS guy during his routine visits to the store. Now I can’t stop laughing when I hear the UPS slogan, “What can Brown do for you?”. I guess it reveals the hidden meaning of the handwritten sign outside the store’s window: “All deliveries in the rear. Thanks, Management.”
— Melvin
I’ve heard this joke one way, found it online another, and I’m editing it to be as inoffensive as possible here. Bear with me. :)
You may know that the chief of a Native American tribe was likely to have more than one wife, even though the other members of his tribe would have been monogamous. Well, one chief, who in honor of a prior joke I’ll call Chief Falling Rock, had three wives, and miraculously, they were all pregnant at the same time.
The first wife went into labor, and she had a healthy baby girl. The chief was thrilled. He had some members of the tribe build a teepee for her and cover it with brand-new moose hide.
The second wife went into labor, and she had twin girls! In honor of this great achievement, he had members of his tribe build her a new, two-story ranch teepee covered with a buffalo hide.
Now, everybody’s really curious what kind of baby (or babies!) wife #3 will have. At long last, she goes into labor, and lo and behold, it’s a beautiful healthy baby boy! Finally Chief Falling Rock has the heir he’s been waiting for! He is so happy about this that he gets the tribe to build her a three-story Victorian teepee covered with a hippopautomous hide.
One of the little girls in the tribe says to her mother, “Why he is building the biggest teepee for the new mother?” And the mother said to her daughter, “Because, my child:
the squaw of the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.”
— Melissa
Well, here’s my engineer joke:
A mathematician and an engineer were at one end of a football field, and a pretty girl was at the other. They were told that if they could get over to her, they could have her, but thay had to get there by covering half the distance at a time (Xeno’s paradox).
The mathematician throws his hands up in despair and says – “I’ll never reach her!” The engineer smiles and says “I can get close enough!”
— Adam
A Hasidic Jew walks into a bar with a parakeet on his shoulder. The bartender comes over and asks, “Where did you get that?” “In Williamsburg, they’re all over, a dime a dozen,” replies the parakeet.
Music major jokes:
What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two piccolos playing in unison.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch in a flute?
When you toss it in the trash and don’t hit the rim.
What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The piano player does it with his left hand.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines for that now.
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
This Irish buy walks into a bar he has never been to and straight up to the counter. The barman asks him waht he would like to drink but the Irish guy sees a sign behind the bar ‘Anyone who can drink 50 pints in a half hour wins 1000 Euro’.
He turns around immediately and leaves the bar, the bartender is puzzled.
A while later the Irish man comes in, orders 50 pints of Guinness and proceeds to drink them in 29 minutes. The bar man is amazed and asks the Irish man – ‘Thats amazing, no-ne has managed that before! But tell me why did you leave the bar earlier?’
The Irishman replies – ‘ah sure, I went round the corner to see if I could do it first!’
I’, Irish so its OK for me to tell the joke – ‘its funny coz its true!’
— Anonymous
(This first set you need to say out loud. Go ahead. Let your co-workers look at you funny. What do you care?)
Q. What do you call a blind buck?
A. No eye-deer.
Q. What do you call a blind buck without legs?
A. Still no eye-deer.
Q. What do you call a blind buck without legs that has been castrated?
A. Still no fucking eye-deer.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are walking the trail when Tonto says “Kemosabe, I see the hoofprints of many horses.” The Lone Ranger responds, ” Don’t worry, let’s keep moving.”
A few miles further, Tonto puts his hand to the ground. “Kemosabe, I feel the beat of many horses.” Again, the the Lone Ranger is nonplussed. “Keep going, Tonto.”
A few more miles pass and Tonto speaks up again. “Kemosabe, I hear the sound of many horses.” The Lone Ranger says, “I told you Tonto, there’s nothing to worry about.”
Suddenly, over the hill comes the Apache nation, whooping and hollering and painted for war. The Lone Ranger panics. “Tonto, what the hell are we going to do?!”
And Tonto says, ” What do you mean ‘we’, white man?”