Has this happened to you? You’re two weeks into the summer fling that you hope will last a lifetime (just like last year’s). Your sweetheart IMs you at work and extends a tempting invitation:
herself: wanna come for dinner tonite?
you: only if u help me come :)
herself: haha. no really, let’s do dinner at my place. i’ll cook
you: love to. how can i help?
herself: why don’t u make a fruit salad or something?
Danger, Will Robinson! This sounds like an trivial, offhand request (note the “or something” throwaway line), but it’s actually a cunning trap. Whether you know it or not, you will be judged tonight on exactly how well you can put fruit in a bowl. Sound easy? It’s not. Sound trivial? Your chances of getting laid tonight are surprisingly dependent on exactly how well you can put fucking fruit into a fucking bowl.
Don’t panic. The Sarcastic Gourmet is here to help.
This is critical. Be prepared. Show up at her place with a bag full of fruit. Do not, under any circumstances, show up emptyhanded and expect to go shopping “as a couple.” You are not a couple; you are a couple of horny bastards engaged in a time-honored mating ritual known as “the summer fling.” Going shopping together will spoil everything. It feels mundane. It feels like commitment. And if — or more precisely, when — she catches you casting a sideways glance at the latest issue of Maxim, it’s all over.
Go shopping by yourself.
Buy organic fruit. Trust me on this. I’m the expert here; you’re the desperate schmuck who needs to surf the Internet to figure out how to put fucking fruit into a fucking bowl. Buying organic won’t make a damn bit of difference in taste, but you’ll be able to tell her when she asks (and she will ask) that of course you bought organic fruit. You can find organic fruit at most high-end grocery stores, or at a Whole Foods or Fresh Fields store. In the likely event that you’ve never been to a Whole Foods store, you should look them up on Google Maps. There’s probably one close to you. There’s probably several. They’re like Starbucks, without the caffeine or the free wireless. Hang on, scratch that metaphor like a bad rash — my readers have informed the Sarcastic Gourment that Whole Foods sells coffee, and the wireless at Starbucks is outrageously expensive. I guess you get what you pay for.
![[fruit salad]](http://wearehugh.com/public/2006/06/fruit-salad-banner-2.jpg)
Fruit salad is an art form that requires a delicate balance of color, texture, taste, and smell. But since you’re just looking to laid, I’ll cut right to the chase.
Half a handful of raisins. Raisins usually come in a large metal cylinder which holds more raisins than you will eat in your lifetime. On the bright side, they last forever; raisins have a longer half-life than Windows XP. Think of this can of raisins as an investment in your future. Take what you need, close the can, put it in the fridge, and dig it out again for next summer’s fling. I once had a can of raisins that outlived four relationships, three apartments, two states, and a cat.The hour of reckoning has arrived. You arrive at your sweetheart’s doorstep with more fruit than you have ever carried at one time. She invites you in, and the smell of burning flesh wafts gently from the kitchen. You’re on.
Your sweetheart has already laid out the utensils you’ll need: a sharp knife, a cutting board, and a large bowl. (If not, you can improvise with a pocket knife, a piece of cardboard, and a trash bag, but I wouldn’t count on getting laid afterwards.)
Prepare the fruit from the most solid to the most fragile. That means apples, then nectarines, then grapes, then raspberries. Raisins are a special case; you can just sprinkle them on at the end.
Wash your hands with soap. Do this in the kitchen, not in the bathroom, even if you just came out of the bathroom. Even if you spend your entire day submerging your hands in a sterile bubble, wash your hands in front of your sweetheart. Do it now.
Next, you’ll need to wash the fruit as well. Do not use soap when you wash the fruit! “Washing the fruit” just means running it under the tap for a few seconds, like how you wash your hands when you think no one is watching.
Place the nectarine upright on the cutting board and hold it with your thumb on the front of the fruit and fingers behind it. Gently cut straight down, about one-third of the way into the fruit. There’s a large oval pit in the center; if you hit it, slowly curve your knife around it and back down to finish the slice. Rotate the nectarine 90 degrees and do this again, and again, and again. (The last piece will be smaller than the rest, since you’ve already cut both sides.) Lay each piece down with the peel facing up and slice it width-wise into bite-sized chunks. Throw the good stuff into the bowl and the center core into the trash can. Do not throw it in the garbage disposal! You will hear an angry ker-klunk, ker-klunk, ker-klunk, followed by a quiet whirring sound, followed by an awkward silence for the rest of your relationship.Finally, take two spoons, one in each hand, and place them on the inside edges of the bowl opposite each other. Gently dig into the edge of the salad and scoop it up into the air slightly. Rotate the bowl and do it again, and again, and again. The goal here is to mix everything together so there aren’t any large clumps of the same kind of fruit in one place. The tricky part is that the raspberries are very fragile, and if you mix them too hard they’ll break apart into a gooey red mess.
Serve in fancy glass bowls, if possible. Your perfect fruit salad deserves nothing less.
This recipe should provide enough fruit salad for two, plus additional helpings for each of you. On the offhand chance there are leftovers, pour a teaspoon of lemon juice over the remaining fruit. This helps prevent the apples from turning brown. Transfer the leftovers in a small resealable plastic box and put it in your sweetheart’s fridge. Tomorrow, after you’ve come and gone, she’ll have something tangible to remember you by.
![[fruit salad]](http://wearehugh.com/public/2006/06/fruit-salad-banner-1.jpg)
Oh, and good luck with that whole “getting laid” thing. That part never actually worked for me, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the fruit salad’s fault. Good luck!
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Actually, watermelon is usable, but only if you aren’t making it at her place: watermelon balls that have had a little time to dry work well, but you can’t count on her having a melon baller, and bringing your own melon baller is more conducive to “let’s just be very good friends; we can go shopping together!”
Red Delicious apples are waxy, mealy, and disgusting and your sweetheart agrees. She likes Fujis. She also likes bananas to take the edge off of the more tangy and sweet fruits. Speaking of fruit, raisins are not fruit. They are abomination. Many others agree: http://www.simplebits.com/notebook/2006/03/24/oatmeal.html
— Evan 
Most of the preparation instructions are almost applicable to getting laid, just make a few adjustments and replacements like “knife” with “tongue”.
Place [the apple] upright … and hold it with your thumb on the left side, fingers on the right side, and the palm of your hand above [the apple] facing downwards… Carefully insert your tonuge under your palm… etc.
Use your imagination…
— Phil
And while you’re preparing the fruit salad, you may want to carefully consider whether or not to start humming the Fruit Salad song.
If there’s a chance you won’t get laid, it may be worthwile to buy more fruit than you actually need. Here’s why: soaking fresh-cut fruit in a liter or so of vodka over night in your freezer makes the best damn summer drink imaginable. I call it the water of life, and it gets you so buzzed, so slowly, that you won’t even know it.
Fruit choice is critical. You need fruit that absorbs the vodka while surrendering its juices. Years of experimentation has shown that the single best fruit for this is watermellon. The worst? Grapes. So, while you’re at the supermarket, pick up some:
watermellon
cantaloupe
strawberries
raspberries
kiwi
banana
One or two liters of good vodka (Avoid the cheap stuff. No need for the megabuck stuff. I use Stolie.)
Cut up all fruit and put into one or two large glass decanters with a lid (an orange juice bottle works well). Add enough vodka to completely cover. Let sit in freezer for at least 24 hours.
Best consumed on sunny afternoons. Make sure to eat the fruit – popping a chunck of vodka-soaked watermellon into your mouth has to be experienced. Do not attempt to get laid after consuming.
If the grapes are large (say, about the size of the last joint on your pinkie), consider cutting each one in two.
Bananas are good in fruit salad, as long as:
1) They aren’t overripe (they should have no brown spots and possibly just a tinge of green)
2) You add them last, potentially just before serving.
Bananas that are left in the fruit-salad for more than 10-15 minutes will start turning mushy. This also happens to raisins, but takes longer (25-30 minutes).
Apples: Concur with Evan that Red Delicious apples aren’t very good. Other than Fujis (which are good), Gala, Braeburn, and Pink Lady apples are also good. Sliced apples will start turning brown if left sitting too long unless they are mixed with something tart. If you aren’t adding any tart fruits to the salad, a squeeze (~1 tsp.) of lemon will do.
Melons (cantaloupes, honeydews, muskmelons, etc.) can be very good, *if* you have the knack of choosing ripe ones. This is difficult to do, and possibly deserves it’s own article. If you haven’t yet learned to choose melons, either:
a) don’t bother
b) buy several and cut them open at home to choose the best one, or
c) just be prepared to throw away as much as the outer inch of the fruit (melons ripen from the middle out).
Just remember that you need to throw away the seeds you scoop out of the middle, and that you probably don’t want to use more than half of the melon, unless it’s very small (small is grapefruit-sized).
Other fruit that can be incorporated successfully:
An orange. Make sure you choose an ‘eating’ orange (such as a Navel), not a juice variety (like a Valencia). Peel it, get as much of the white rind off while dividing into sections and slice the sections into 3-4 pieces each, removing any seeds. This can get somewhat messy.
Other fruits you can incorporate:
1 Kiwi (choose them as you would nectarines). Peel the fuzzy brown skin off after washing (like you would a potato, but with a sharp knife, not a vegetable peeler), and slice it crosswise like a cucumber into 1/8″ slices. Ripe kiwis are both tart and sweet. A small one is plenty for two people.
Mango (choose these also as you would a nectarine, they are slightly softer when ripe). Mangos are fairly large and very flavorful, so don’t use more than one, and possibly less than one. *ASK* if she likes mango before you start adding it. Slice them initially as you would a nectarine (adjusting for a much larger pit), and then take the sections and cross-hatch them from the inside with a knife (without cutting through the skin) to make 1/2″ squares, then turn the section inside out, and cut the pieces off the skin. You may want to practice this so you don’t make a mess.
A very good alternative to an orange are tangerines or mandarins, with the proviso that they are easier to peel, and you can probabaly leave the sections whole if the fruit is small. Two or three of these will do nicely. Grapefruit can be used, but sparingly. Grapefuits are usually not particularly ripe when sold, so try eating a piece before you decide how much (or whether) to add. Pink and red grapefuits can add color, but may not be any sweeter.
You people didn’t understand the post. It’s about open source, morons.
You had me at “raisins”…
“Put the knife in the sink; you’re done cutting.”
If she has very nice kitchen knives, don’t do this. Not only can it be dangerous (think sharp object in sudsy water), but also leaving a knive wet and dirty is bad for the knife. You should write, “You’re done cutting. Wash the knife off, dry it, and put it back in the knife rack.”
(At least around here, Whole Foods has free WiFi and Starbucks has expensive T-Mobile. And Whole Foods has way better coffee.)
— las vegas
You forgot the mangos! Clearly, this explains the not-getting-laid part.
— Pat Hall
The wireless at Starbucks isn’t free (and yes, that’s about as much as I have to say on fruit salads).
— Shot
How does someone with a problem doing simple tasks, (like mixing fruit in a bowl), get to the stage of being invited over to dinner?
I think people would have a much better chance if THEY invited the girl over for a dinner that THEY cooked. Leave her with this silly ‘fruit salad’ problem. I guess that’s just beyond some people, (sux to be them).
— Maz
I agree with what others have said regarding Red Delicious. The appealing name aside, they are basically red potatoes. Very starchy and not at all appropriate for human consumption. You want an apple that is sweet with an ever so slight hint of tart flavour. The trick is getting the right apple for the season. If it’s fall, Northern Spy or Crispin are good choices. Spartan is a good winter/spring Apple and if you can find/afford them and you *really* like the girl, go with Winesap or Jonagold. Those are the apples that will delight the palate and when you describe why you chose the obscure apple, she’ll be really impressed/turned on. Warnings: Avoid Fuji as they’re too mushy and McIntosh which are nice to eat as a handheld apple but can be a little sharper than expected in a fruit salad. Also, they can upset some stomachs which will definitely put an end to the festivities.
One last tip, if she is ever coming over and you want to do the wine, cheese and fruit bit, prepare a plate of Winesap and Jonagold along with some decent pears (a whole seperate discussion) and you’ll blow her mind.
— Bjorn Nitmo
i agree with the red delicious bit. for full effect, please buy Pink Lady apples; they are a hybrid which is crisp and sweet without being so mealy and…gross.
btw this setup would totally work on me.
If you think cantaloupes are bland, you haven’t had a good one. They’re also called honey melons, and for very good reason. However, they are too soft to work as part of a fruit salad. Which isn’t exactly tragic, as a grown and ripe honey melon has enough flesh to substitute for a bowl of fruit salad all by itself.
For apples, I agree with everyone saying that Red Delicious are a middling choice at best. You want Braeburn. Make sure they’re ripe (not green) but not overripe (not entirely red). It’s the best apple you’ll ever have.
I’ll have to give Michael’s suggestion of fruit soaked in vodka a try; I’m not into the widely accepted ways of imbibing, but that sounds delicious.
I have to assume that you suggest using just one apple for the sole reason that you recommend Red Delicious, and two of those would kill any fruit salad dead. My best fruit salads have both a Braeburn and a Honeycrisp. Or two of each, if they’re small.
For me, I’d be happy with berries, berries, berries: blue, straw, and ras. Definitely organic, but I wouldn’t ask.
A dash of cider vinegar will spice things up, might even help with the getting laid part. Honey is good too.
People who say organic tastes the same as conventionally grown fruits and vegetables are in one of the following categories.
1. They live in a part of the country (or world) in which food is grown well, slowly, and locally, so their conventional food actually tastes like food.
2. They are a smoker.
3. Their tastebuds were blown off by firecrackers as a child (extra points for identifying the source of that word picture).
4. They drink so goddamn much high-fructose corn syrup that they think of it as a vegetable, and anything that’s not as sweet as a liter of Coca Cola chugged in one minute isn’t sweet at all.
Whole Foods also serves coffee… http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/products/coffee/index.html
You are all deranged. The Sarcastic Gourmet spits in your general direction.
— Mark
i think maybe making fruit salad has more to do with open source than getting laid, because for the life of me, i can’t see the latter connection. i mean if she’s inviting you over for dinner at her place and she’s cooking, i’m pretty sure you’re in good shape already, regardless of your fruit salad making skills. you’re probably also in good shape if you invite /her/ over to dinner and /you’re/ cooking, but it will have to be more than just fruit salad in this case.
— vlad
Whole Foods usually has some very nice beers. I suggest you check out their selection while you’re there.
— Izzy
Mark, old fruit, a few notes from an English perspective:
1. Don’t traduce Granny Smiths – they make great apple crumble.
2. Wash the knife before using it too. I still remember a fruit salad with a hint of garlic where we forgot that one.
3. Forget soaking in vodka, buy a bottle of Pimm’s No 1 and some lemonade, and apples, strawberries, cucumber and mint. Drink on a croquet lawn.
You throw raspberries in without inspecting them for worms one by one? Do you use unorganic raspberries that have never been exposed to outdoors and are, therefore, guaranteed to be wormless?
Witty and clever and all, but you’re being a bit sexist. Shame.
Let me throw in the suggestion of Cameo apples. They taste like a Red Delicious should taste.
— wka
“If you think cantaloupes are bland, you haven’t had a good one. They’re also called honey melons, and for very good reason.”
Hm, I dunno about your part of the world, but here in Germany cantaloupes and honey melons are *not* the same thing… I would recommend a good, ripe cantaloupe for a fruit salad, but not a honey melon.
— Michael Goetze
For God’s sake, please don’t use pomengrantes. Yeah, they sound sexy as hell, but have you ever opened one up? Probably not, if you need to “surf the Internet to learn how to put fucking fruit into a fucking bowl”. Pomegranates are all seeds. That’s the part you eat, the seeds. But before you eat them, you have to pluck them out, which means staining your fingers with a red juice that looks like blood and doesn’t come out without a Brillo pad and 3 gallons of bleach.
Besides, isn’t that what Eve gave Adam? And look at how well *that* turned out….
— Michael
Brilliant.
I was going to suggest makings some Pimms along side as great way to drink fruit salad, but Kevin (Comment 26) stole my thunder.
Some fresh pineapple or paw paw can’t go wrong in a fruit salad, but I can’t fault yours. Although I sometimes like to chuck something sour in a fruit salad for contrast (like say grapefruit) but probably wouldn’t do this if I was trying to get laid. Although this works well on a normal (i.e. non fruit salad) too.
Oh and cut up some granadillas and throw them on top before serving. It aint called passon fruit for nothing.
— Adrian
Only 5 fruits ? Sorry that you would not pass the exam here.
And banana definitely need to go in, it helps thicken the juice.
Always pour a bit of hard alcoohol before letting it ripening together
preferably kirch, white rhum acceptable replacement and let it macerate
at least a couple of hours in the fridge. Don’t try to do that at
your guest/date place, need to be done in advance !
Last I did had: 2 peaches/2 bananas/strawberries/2 kiwies (for the
green part)/1 orange (at least for the juice !)/fresh pineapple/
1 apple/a few ripe apricots and I’m forgetting a couple. Important is
to pick the season’t fruit and *ripe*, best will be from the farmer’s
market of course, not from some supoermarket even organic !
Don’t cut too small, you need to be able to identify the bits even
after maceration. Pour a *little* bit of sugar to help getting juice
out and don’t forget a little bit of hard alcohol (2 spoons, one must
not feel it but it helps greatly in the end).
Macerate at least 2 hours, serve cold but not chilled, goes well with
white sweet wine (like gewurtzstraminer) or champagne if you really
want to make it a memorable desert !
DV
Fruit salad is just “Hello.” This is “I want you NOW”:
(1) Berries. Preferably hard-ish ones: blueberries, redcurrants, blackcurrants etc. Anything that looks like a berry. Cherries will do, too, but you have to stone them either with a little cherry-stoner or with that practised “look-how-dexterous-my-fingers-are-with-this-tiny-sharp-Global-knife” you brought along. (You have been practising, haven’t you?) (You did bring that tiny curved Global knife along, didn’t you?) Anyway, the thing is to make her look at your hands, dexterously doing fruit stuff without crushing it. Her mind will pursue its own preordained course at this point.
(2) White chocolate. Lots.
METHOD
(1) Put the berries in her freezer about 1/2 hour before you eat.
(2) When you’ve finished the main course, ask for a saucepan and a bowl. Melt the chocolate in the bowl over hot water in the saucepan. Keep stirring to temper it.
(3) When it’s melted and quite hot, take the berries out of the freezer.
(4) Pour, into two serving bowls, the melted white chocolate over the frozen berries. The hot molten chocolate will thaw the berries. The frozen berries will start to set the chocolate.
(5) Oh for heaven’s sake. If you need to know about step (5), find another website.
Sexist? Yes. Yes indeed.
— Bargepole
time for diveintofruitsalad.org? ;-)
— paolo
Put your fruit salad with white wine and ice in a jar, and you’ll definitively get laid. I don’t know how you call it in the US, but in Argentina it’s called “clericó”, and it’s a great drink for the summer.
(PS: you seriously need to add bananas to the mix, they are great to add volume and absorb the juices)
— Ricardo
Why isn’t this also up at http://howto.diveintomark.org/ ?
— James
Who says you can’t use melon to get laid?
http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/bbtrix/6.html
— squirt
…hand feed her the strawberries, have her lick yr fingers after easch bite, slip a mellon along her cheeck before gently putting it her mouth, and have her suck it’s juices…then… oh yeah baby!!!
— vanni
Ack! Don’t squeeze nectarines in the supermarket! (I can’t help my reaction I used to farm them.) In fact, don’t squeeze any fruit in the store, that just leaves…well…terribly bruised fruit behind nobody will buy. (Those “spots that are squooshier than the rest” are from squeezers!) Find the right nectarine by color and scent. Look at the “background” color of the fruit to see if it is ripe. Ignore the side that has seen the most sun (the deep reddish part) and look at the lighter side- any green and it’s far from ripe- look for *deep* colors in the lighter side: golds, oranges.
Squeezed fruit is bruised fruit. And only under extremely rare circumstances (in my, ahem, experience) is it ever acceptable to squeeze “fruit” that hard.
— Alex
Before putting the apple core and seeds into the disposal, verify that it really is a disposal and not just a drainpipe.
— John
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© 2001–9 Mark Pilgrim