dive into mark

Would you like some fudge? © Jolene Van Laar / CC

• 4 Tbsp. butter
• 14 oz. sweetened condensed milk
• 12 oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 8-inch square pan
• Medium saucepan
• Bottle of full-bodied red wine (optional)

The cooking part

Cooking fudge is like having sex: five minutes of frenzied activity, followed by an hour of awkward silence. No, I’m not going to sugar-coat that; just let it sit in the back of your mind and fester.

Grease square pan with butter. Melt butter in saucepan over medium-high heat. Add condensed milk. Add chocolate chips and stir until fully melted, while quietly repeating “It puts the lotion in the basket” under your breath. Add vanilla and stir briefly. Pour into greased square pan. Let sit for 1 hour. Cut and serve with red wine. Alternately, smear on private parts and apply for NEA grant.

Spice shop in Kandy Market © McKay Savage / CC

An alliterative interlude on the importance of ingredients

For Christ’s sake, use real ingredients. You’re making fudge, not “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Fudge.” When you’re standing in the spices aisle looking for vanilla extract and thinking “holy shit, I had no idea there were so many spices‽” and suddenly it dawns on you why Columbus was willing to risk falling off the edge of the freakin’ planet to get his hands on some new spices — remember the Sarcastic Gourmet told you to buy real vanilla extract, not the imitation stuff. Yes, I know it costs twice as much for a bottle half the size, and you’re wondering if it’s really worth it, and after all you have been looking for ways to save money ever since you sold your dog’s kidneys on the black market to pay rent. The Sarcastic Gourmet does not care about your problems. Real vanilla. Real butter. Real condensed milk. Dear God, why do they even make low-fat condensed milk? That’s just… bad milk. [shakes head in disbelief]

The getting laid part

Libation Horizon © bhollar / CC

You’re holding a bottle of red wine in one hand and a pan of the world’s best fudge — that you cooked yourself — in the other. If that doesn’t get you laid, I can’t help you.

The morning after

If you have leftovers, put them in a resealable bag and refrigerate. If you have leftovers after a week, you’re not eating them fast enough. What the fuck is wrong with you? I swear to God, if I could live on fudge and red wine, I’d never leave the house. Seriously though, week-old fudge is nasty — it goes all dry and crusty and there’s no saving it. Throw it out and make more.

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Nineteen comments here (latest comments)

1. Sugar-coated fudge sex?

   Delicious.

   — Josh Hattersley 

2. That isn’t real fudge. Real fudge doesn’t use chocolate chips.

   — Kris 

3. I see you included packing advice.

   I’ll let that sink in.

   — Jesper 

4. Nice to see that interrobang worked into the story.

   — Scott Johnson 

5. In my world, the “Bottle of full-bodied red wine” is !optional. :)

   — squawkfox 

6. this blog is the bomb lately and I’m still not getting laid!

   — brady 

7. You’re holding a bottle of red wine in one hand and a pan of the world’s best fudge — that you cooked yourself — in the other. If that doesn’t get you laid, I can’t help you.

   With our without pants?

   — Bryce 

8. With our or pants

   — Bryce 

9. I thought recovering alcoholics didn’t drink wine.

   — Andy 

10. “For Christ’s sake, use real ingredients.” Then you mention condensed milk, vanilla extract, and semi-sweet chocolate.

    I know you’re married so you don’t have to try so hard, but real ingredients? This has the potential to sound like a Monty Python sketch, but condensed milk can be made from fresh milk, so what’s better for making fudge? Pasteurised (or not), full fat? Jersey? Friesian? etc, etc

    And finally vanilla pods are easy :-)

    — Jim Hughes 

11. Personally, I don’t care for wine with candy; I reckon the fudge would go better with some really good coffee and maybe a little liquor for it.

    — Jake 

12. Why on earth wouldn’t I just grab the bottle of wine and go looking for my other half after smearing my privates with fudge? Filling out grant forms doesn’t have nearly the same potential for fun.

    — Josh 

13. “…sex: five minutes of frenzied activity, followed by an hour of awkward silence.”

    Gee, Mark. Maybe that’s what sex is like for *you*. How’bout this: less time on fudge, more time on foreplay. :-)

    Anne.

    — Anne Onimos 

14. @Andy: on my blog I get to be anything I want.

    — Mark 

15. “…on my blog I get to be anything I want..”

    ….and it keeps us coming back for more. Nice site, great fudge/wine recipe, and really fun post (and comments). Good job!

    — SeductionMeals 

16. Everything Is In/Flux · links for 2008-05-13 (pingback)

17. I demand a Sarcastic Gourmet book. Or would that have to be called “Dive Into Sarcastic Gourmet”? :)

    — Daniel Axelrod 

18. “If you have leftovers after a week, you’re not eating them fast enough. What the fuck is wrong with you? I swear to God, if I could live on fudge and red wine, I’d never leave the house. Seriously though, week-old fudge is nasty — it goes all dry and crusty and there’s no saving it. Throw it out and make more.”

    Did this mean you weren’t able to eat fast enough? What was wrong with you???

    (Hehehe… just kidding! :D)

    — beautymaven 

19. God bless you, Mark. You and your fudge.

    — bish 

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