![[Fudge]](/public/2008/05/fudge.jpg)
- 4 Tbsp. butter
- 14 oz. sweetened condensed milk
- 12 oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips
- 1 tsp. vanilla extract
- 8-inch square pan
- Medium saucepan
- Bottle of full-bodied red wine (optional)
The cooking part
Cooking fudge is like having sex: five minutes of frenzied activity, followed by an hour of awkward silence. No, I’m not going to sugar-coat that; just let it sit in the back of your mind and fester.
Grease square pan with butter. Melt butter in saucepan over medium-high heat. Add condensed milk. Add chocolate chips and stir until fully melted, while quietly repeating “It puts the lotion in the basket” under your breath. Add vanilla and stir briefly. Pour into greased square pan. Let sit for 1 hour. Cut and serve with red wine. Alternately, smear on private parts and apply for NEA grant.
![[wall of spices]](http://diveintomark.org/public/2008/05/spices.jpg)
An alliterative interlude on the importance of ingredients
For Christ’s sake, use real ingredients. You’re making fudge, not “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Fudge.” When you’re standing in the spices aisle looking for vanilla extract and thinking “holy shit, I had no idea there were so many spices‽” and suddenly it dawns on you why Columbus was willing to risk falling off the edge of the freakin’ planet to get his hands on some new spices — remember the Sarcastic Gourmet told you to buy real vanilla extract, not the imitation stuff. Yes, I know it costs twice as much for a bottle half the size, and you’re wondering if it’s really worth it, and after all you have been looking for ways to save money ever since you sold your dog’s kidneys on the black market to pay rent. The Sarcastic Gourmet does not care about your problems. Real vanilla. Real butter. Real condensed milk. Dear God, why do they even make low-fat condensed milk? That’s just… bad milk. [shakes head in disbelief]
The getting laid part
![[Red wine]](/public/2008/05/wine.jpg)
You’re holding a bottle of red wine in one hand and a pan of the world’s best fudge — that you cooked yourself — in the other. If that doesn’t get you laid, I can’t help you.
The morning after
If you have leftovers, put them in a resealable bag and refrigerate. If you have leftovers after a week, you’re not eating them fast enough. What the fuck is wrong with you? I swear to God, if I could live on fudge and red wine, I’d never leave the house. Seriously though, week-old fudge is nasty — it goes all dry and crusty and there’s no saving it. Throw it out and make more.
Sugar-coated fudge sex?
Delicious.
Comment by Josh Hattersley — Sunday, May 11, 2008 @ 11:38 pm
That isn’t real fudge. Real fudge doesn’t use chocolate chips.
Comment by Kris — Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 12:53 am
I see you included packing advice.
I’ll let that sink in.
Comment by Jesper — Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 12:53 am
Nice to see that interrobang worked into the story.
Comment by Scott Johnson — Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 1:13 am
In my world, the “Bottle of full-bodied red wine” is !optional. :)
Comment by squawkfox — Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 1:24 am
this blog is the bomb lately and I’m still not getting laid!
Comment by brady — Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 2:01 am
With our without pants?
Comment by Bryce — Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 5:01 am
With our or pants
Comment by Bryce — Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 5:02 am
I thought recovering alcoholics didn’t drink wine.
Comment by Andy — Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 8:33 am
“For Christ’s sake, use real ingredients.” Then you mention condensed milk, vanilla extract, and semi-sweet chocolate.
I know you’re married so you don’t have to try so hard, but real ingredients? This has the potential to sound like a Monty Python sketch, but condensed milk can be made from fresh milk, so what’s better for making fudge? Pasteurised (or not), full fat? Jersey? Friesian? etc, etc
And finally vanilla pods are easy :-)
Comment by Jim Hughes — Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 10:08 am
Personally, I don’t care for wine with candy; I reckon the fudge would go better with some really good coffee and maybe a little liquor for it.
Comment by Jake — Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 10:26 am
Why on earth wouldn’t I just grab the bottle of wine and go looking for my other half after smearing my privates with fudge? Filling out grant forms doesn’t have nearly the same potential for fun.
Comment by Josh — Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 12:26 pm
“…sex: five minutes of frenzied activity, followed by an hour of awkward silence.”
Gee, Mark. Maybe that’s what sex is like for *you*. How’bout this: less time on fudge, more time on foreplay. :-)
Anne.
Comment by Anne Onimos — Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 12:56 pm
@Andy: on my blog I get to be anything I want.
Comment by Mark — Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 2:12 pm
“…on my blog I get to be anything I want..”
….and it keeps us coming back for more. Nice site, great fudge/wine recipe, and really fun post (and comments). Good job!
Comment by SeductionMeals — Tuesday, May 13, 2008 @ 5:54 am
I demand a Sarcastic Gourmet book. Or would that have to be called “Dive Into Sarcastic Gourmet”? :)
Comment by Daniel Axelrod — Tuesday, May 13, 2008 @ 8:23 pm
“If you have leftovers after a week, you’re not eating them fast enough. What the fuck is wrong with you? I swear to God, if I could live on fudge and red wine, I’d never leave the house. Seriously though, week-old fudge is nasty — it goes all dry and crusty and there’s no saving it. Throw it out and make more.”
Did this mean you weren’t able to eat fast enough? What was wrong with you???
(Hehehe… just kidding! :D)
Comment by beautymaven — Wednesday, May 14, 2008 @ 3:29 am
God bless you, Mark. You and your fudge.
Comment by bish — Thursday, May 15, 2008 @ 10:02 pm