Everyone is what they preach: pragmatism, fatalism, pessimism. My end is contained in my beginning: predestined, foreshadowed, prescribed. Drugs win drug war. Recalling a lifetime of selective self-destruction, I die alone, simultaneously over– and under-medicated.

Death is another day; the object of life is to cheat it. “The years are like octaves, scales descending the keyboard.” Days, months, years, a process of continually arrested falling. Gravity, thou art a heartless bitch. How can you keep from falling forever? Ridiculous. So at last, the future cries “Enough!” and slams its fist on the acrostic.

Clotho, Lachesis, Atropos. Someday my funeral will be videotaped and released under a Creative Commons license. Eulogy for a writer: viewed 1 time. Even Chapin did better than that. “The scene at the graveyard, just three of us were there / Me and the gravedigger, we heard the parson’s prayer / He said we need not grieve for this man, for we know that God cares.” So at last, the future cries “Enough!” and slams its fist six feet into the ground.

Drug abuse is punishable by twenty years in federal prison. Never ends, that drug war; it just goes round and round. Don’t do drugs, kids, unless you want to end up like Michael Phelps — eight gold medals BUT NO FUCKING CEREAL CONTRACT. That’s a tossup.

Parenting is tough. How do I explain that drugs are bad but I turned out okay? Yet I still expect to die from them someday, but maybe not this year because I’m currently between addictions? Since before they were born, their daddy’s medicine cabinet has been full of drugs, but those don’t count because they’re legal. Like Oxy? Yeah, that’s Schedule II and addictive as fuck, but it’s all good if a doctor scribbles something on a piece of paper. Really? You don’t remember that lesson from health class in junior high? Hmm, must’ve been sick that week.

Kids-of-the-future-who-have-learned-to-read, there’s no Oxy in the medicine cabinet. Three other daily medications, yes. Schedule II painkillers, no. Or even Schedule III. I did have something strong when I had that kidney stone for a month, though. How can you have a kidney stone for a whole month, I hear you cry? You don’t want to know. Weeks in constant pain, and the motherfucker just Would Not Pass. Surgeons had to go in after it. Through… the… anyway, it was unpleasant is what I’m saying. Got to spend several weeks in bed, on so many painkillers I couldn’t sleep or shit anymore, all because some 6-millimeter motherfucking lump got stuck in some less-than-6-millimeter motherfucking passageway that I had problems even motherfucking pronouncing. Growing old is awesome.

“Enough!” cries the future, and slams its fist on the malapropism.

“My Corey’s coming / No more sad stories coming.”

God, if you’re listening, this guy’s walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. Everything else is great, but this hole, God, it makes no sense to me. Every time I try to fill it, it just gets deeper. Realized that a long time ago, standing at the bottom looking up. Probably could’ve benefited from a warning sign at the top, is what I’m saying. Gods, games, and legerdemain. “Nobody else could have fallen in this way, as this hole was meant only for you.” Utter tripe, balderdash, sound and fury, stuff and nonsense.

Eulogy for a writer: I guess he finally got the last word.

Don’t take it too seriously. You’ll never make it out alive.

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Nineteen comments here (latest comments)

  1. “How do I explain that drugs are bad but I turned out okay?” Clearly it’s not just the results that justifies whether an act is good or not. Maybe the taking of drugs doesn’t even in itself wholly determine whether it’s good or not.

    Imagine a farmer chooses to spend little time planting crops or tending his field one year, then has a famine the next (when he decides again to tend to his field), then everything turns out okay afterwards. So was it okay to not tend to his crops? Sure he had a famine, put his family at risk, etc, but everything turned out okay in the end!

    It may be more effective to de-emphasize the results, and emphasize on what is lost, what is put at risk, what kind of person do the actions create, etc, in the experience and process.

    Independence, maturity, freedom to choose, etc, are maybe important values. It’s easy to see that there are many things kids can do that would be more effective in helping them attain those values. Kids can do drugs, and there are also many other things they could do that would be more effective in helping them become independent, mature adults with the freedom to choose what they want to do, etc. They might not be able to discern which are more effective, which is why there are adults, parents, teachers, and others, around to help them and set them straight. But even this line of thinking is results oriented.

    Back to the famine example. In that case, what makes the “things turned out okay” not persuasive to me is that the experience of going through a famine is bad and painful. Maybe the drugs case is different in that the experience isn’t like that. Maybe when the drugs become an addiction then, and only then, does the experience turn bad. So what’s wrong with doing drugs without forming an addiction? Maybe there isn’t anything wrong, so long as you can remain in control and not let it form an addiction. I guess for adults it’s for themselves to decide how in control they can be, but how much can we trust kids to be in control? Maybe kids simply haven’t developed enough control to be allowed to choose in regards to drugs.

    As for pain killers. Again, maybe it’s better to de-emphasize the morality around particular things and, instead, emphasize the morality around what people do, and the process or experience people put themselves through, and what kind of person that makes them. How could anyone be fully independent and free if they were under constant and unbearable pain? From that point of view, it’s easy for me to see the difference between regular pain killers (or any medically necessary drugs) and the “drugs” in the so-called drug war.

    And there’s always the different kinds of pleasure argument that I rather like. “Better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied. And if the fool, or the pig, are of a different opinion, it is because they only know their own side of the question” (JS Mill).

    Thanks for making me think about this topic.

    — Carson #

  2. this is beautiful, though i have no idea what it means.

    — gi #

  3. “The gods play games with men as balls.”
    - Titus Maccius Platus (254-184 B.C.E.)

    — Don McArthur #

  4. I am ashamed to say I have no idea what you’re getting at here. Do I need to be on drugs to get it, or should I read it 8 more times and get the same effect?

    — Ben #

  5. I’m hoping this isn’t a web suicide note!?

    — Anthony Mills #

  6. Mark, It sucks.

    Been there. Done that. Only difference was the Chapin.

    I am a lover who’s never been kissed. Am I?
    I am a fighter who’s not made a fist. Am I?
    If I’m alive, then there’s so much I’ve missed.
    How… Do I know… I exist?

    But remember, there’s always a Better Place to Be.

    — Jason P #

  7. Take care man. Your mind has brought a lot into the world and we love you for it. As for what else it does, you’re the best judge, but take care.

    — Firas #

  8. Everyone, this is not a suicide note.

    — Mark #

  9. Mark, you can’t do this and get out alive.
    Oxy is Schedule II. That crippling constipation is considered acceptable medical use.
    Thanks for DIP. At least you practice what you preach. That takes stones…no nephroliths required.

    — slowth #

  10. OK, so it’s nt a suicide not, but it’s still is pretty unsettling. Here’s hoping you, or whatever’s around you, gets well. There’s light at the end of the tunnel, yeah, but it’s at the END of the tunnel, not midway.

    — Carlitos #

  11. Is this about you falled into a big hole, get hurt, and are taking drugs for the pain, and also you would like to be young?

    Anyway, young or old, a pain is a pain, so don’t panic if you’re not in Spain.

    — big hole #

  12. “My end is contained in my beginning”

    Or as Eliot had it:

    “In my beginning is my end.”

    http://www.tristan.icom43.net/quartets/coker.html

    “… is contained in” bah!

    — Nick S. #

  13. You quote: Better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied.

    This is a false dichotomy. You could find peace and feel your body strong. Your mind and your body is only one thing. If anyone is making your mind to attack your body you should try hard to find the way to shield yourself.

    You can see yourself happy, strong, peaceful or you can make a war between your body and your mind. Who control your life? You could be the commander.

    No voice is strong enough to move your mind and body, but you can do it if you hear yourself. There must be someone who can give you what you really want, or perhaps you can remember some moment.

    Nothing more to say, thanks for allowing public comments.

    — Anonymous #

  14. I’m curious about what the reason for this mental state. If there is a big black hole that is going to spread, then I would like to know about it, just to go to the other corner of the world. Communications is also for alerting about danger, there is a red light, perhaps some valve is not working properly. The world can be small or not, so I like to know where the fire is. In case of a great catastrophe I hope there is some place to go out of troubles.

    — small hole #

  15. Step 13: The prior twelve steps are a religion, so a drug, so it turns out you’re on your own after all and there are no rules but the ones you sort-of try to observe this week. It’s all in the Terms of Service agreement. Thanks for your continued patronage.

    Okay, look, I’m not supposed to tell you this. If they’re monitoring this call … but you seem like a special case, so here it is, here’s what you get: you get your family, and you get your cool. That’s all. Look after them. The rest sorts itself.

    LQ

    — Lou Quillio #

  16. Thanks for that.

    — S #

  17. Oxy is Schedule II.

    Looks like you are correct; I had an off-by-one bug.

    That crippling constipation is considered acceptable medical use.

    Great. This is a drug people take for fun? No thanks. Stick to running; the side effects are still tough, but at least you’ll probably live longer.

    — Mark #

  18. “…Stick to running; the side effects are still tough, but at least you’ll probably live longer.”

    A better reason than longevity is that as a runner, when you go, it’s generally like a binary transformation; from very healthy to dead, boom. Have you ever visited a county nursing home? Brrrr….

    — Don McArthur #

  19. “This is a drug people take for fun?”
    You would not believe the numbers. I see it day in, day out. You’re right, running has a much better risk/benefit ratio. 6.3 miles? That’s beastly.

    — slowth #

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