I’ve been active online for 9 years now. With one exception, nothing I’ve done online has brought me closer to making 25-year friends. Life online rewards breadth, not depth. As gratifying as it may be to have 1 million “visitors” read at least one word of my latest online book, chances are none of those visitors will turn into people who turn into friends who turn into 25-year friends.

How many 25-year friends can you hope to make in one lifetime? 25 years is a long time. That’s half of a short life, a third of a normal life, or a quarter of an extraordinary life. Depending on when you start counting, 25 years might include some or all of growing up, graduating from multiple schools, getting married (or remarried), having (and raising) kids, changing jobs, or changing careers.

But a 25-year friend is not just “a friend for 25 years.” It’s not the passage of time that matters as much as the “of course”-ness of it all. Of course I want to hear about your breakup. Of course you can come over anytime. Of course I’ll help you move. Of course you’ll be my best man, and I yours. Of course we’ll be each other’s godfathers. Of course you’ll “lend” me some money when I hit hard times. 25 years of “of course.”

And in the end, and I mean the very end, of course you’ll come visit me when I’m all but paralyzed. Of course you’ll go outside to throw a ball around with my son while the paramedics take me off to the hospital, again. After I can’t so much as lift my legs, of course you’ll sit with me in the hospital and help me get comfortable every five minutes. After I can’t feed myself, of course you’ll ignore the doctor’s orders and sneak in some cheese bisque and feed me one spoonful at a time. And after I can’t change myself, of course you’ll call the nurse to say there’s shit running down my leg, and of course you’ll stick around to help the nurse roll me over so she can wipe me down, then roll me back so she can change my sheets.

A good friend will help you move. A great friend will help you move a body. A 25-year friend will help you move your own body, if that’s all that’s left to do.

And when the nurse asks, “Family? Friend?” of course you’ll say, “25-year friend.” And she’ll say, “25-year friend. What a thing. What a thing to be.”

In the end, how many 25-year friends can you hope to make in one lifetime? How many do you really need? I would have said “only one,” but it turns out what I meant was “one who will outlive me.”

So, two.

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Eighteen comments here (latest comments)

  1. When I arrived at 2 billion seconds on this earth, I found that I had formed a guiding principle, ‘Embrace Paradox.’
    We are here to live, we are here to die. Time is short, time is long. One has many friends, one has few friends.
    When we find a paradox, rejoice. It means that we have found a normal and real aspect life. We humans think we can plan and have answers. We can. And we can’t.
    I am sorry for your loss of a friend.

    — Jim Deming #

  2. Deepest condolences Mark. This was beautifully said.

    — Rami Kayyali #

  3. My deepest condolences on your loss.

    — E #

  4. I’ll never forget reading this! So well said.

    — Rob #

  5. I hope your loss wasn’t your one exception.

    My condolences.

    — Daniel #

  6. One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly
    possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community
    of thought, a rivalry of aim. — Henry Brook Adams

    — not Henry Brook Adams #

  7. Beautifully put. You don’t choose your friends, they choose you. Someone chose wisely in you.

    — michaelw.net #

  8. I have always lived in the same place (plus minus 1km) so I have three 25 years-old friends, but I our lives are parallel and I don’t know if they are converging or diverging.
    Anyway is great to share a life with yours friends.

    — Anonymous #

  9. Wow.

    — Ryan #

  10. Well said. The true bounty in life is reaped from those whom remain constant throughout it.

    — Bill #

  11. This is the most beautiful mourning essay I have ever read.

    — Shoshana #

  12. I’m speechless. So heartfelt, so poignant, so true. My thoughts are with you.

    — Xander #

  13. I’m sorry for your loss. This might have been the most beautiful thing I ever read online.

    — tante #

  14. Mixed feelings. Sorrow for your loss (inadequate as that sentence seems) and envy that you had such a friend to lose. And I hope that, someday, you will be able to increment the 25-year-friend counter.

    — Michael Bernstein #

  15. I feel ashamed to intrude here with my lame comment (and what else I can say), but I just have to mention Tuesdays with Morrie. Anybody who likes this sad post, go and read it.

    — Matěj Cepl #

  16. I cannot even fathom losing my 25-year-friend. I am so sorry for your loss.

    — Josh #

  17. I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. Your words moved me greatly.

    — David #

  18. Besides losing a 25-year friend, there is that thing I really fear.
    I fear reaching 30 years old and still wondering whether I’m abnormal because I feel jealous every time I hear about the death of somebody that had valuable friends.
    I still wonder whether I’ll actually be contentment when I die, because I’ll know that some people care about me.

    — noop #

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